His Weapon - Book 1 [Z.M]

XLIX

My smile made him frown, his brows furrowed as he took a step to get closer to me.
"I'm not angry."
That was my attempt to clear the frown that formed on his heavenly face.
"—I understand."
I added as I tried to walk pass him to my goodie bag but he stood before me.
"Muna."
He grabbed my waist but his touch felt like fire on my skin.
"—Please don't touch me!"
My voice broke as I detached my body from his hold. I couldn't bring myself to let him anywhere close to me. He was drenched in regret and anger from the look in his eyes. I knew he wasn't okay, if he did have even an ounce of feelings for me like he claimed he did— there was no way in hell he could've been okay.
He lifted his hands up in surrender to assure me that he wouldn't touch me again and it was only then I visibly calmed myself.
"I fucked up."
His accent was thick but I couldn't help scoffing humorlessly at him.
"You fucked up? You're gonna stand there and tell me that you fucked up? You fucking hurt me Zayn."
I yelled at him and I could tell that was the reaction he wanted, almost like my silence was slowly killing him.
"—And I'm sorry. I swear I am."
He stepped closer to me but I took two steps back.
"Sorry isn't going to take the pain away."
I barely spoke but I could literally see his heart break. His shoulders slumped as he looked away from me for the first time. We remained silent again and it felt like forever before I intersected.
"I could never ask you to choose between she and I."
His head shot up but his expression was a blank as a white sheet of paper.
"Not that there'd even be a choice."
My heart broke at the realization. His wall crumbled and I saw anger flash through his beautiful light brown eyes.
"What are you saying? Nothing is changing," He stepped closer to me and I didn't back away. This man has some nerves thinking we could just move forward after he fucked someone else whiles still fucking bound to me.
"That I want you to be happy. You owe me nothing Zayn."
I frowned, not being able to look him in the eyes. At the back of his head, he might've decided to stay with me but in his heart, not even a second thought that it has chosen her.
"I'm happy when I'm with you," He attempted to touch me and my eyes instantly snapped in the direction of his hands. He screwed his eyes shut and stepped away from me.
"It fucking hurts just at the thought of not being able to touch you," He growled in frustration.
"After having fucked her Zayn, everything is changing."
He shook his head violently in denial and when he looked back at me, there were tears set in his eyes. I could tell he was fighting to hold in all his emotions. To keep up his 'I'm so fucking tough and nothing can break me' persona.

"I fucking hate myself right now and I regret every second of it. If I could go back in time, I Would. I would've stuck by your side and tell you just how much I want you and how you have nothing to worry about but I can't."
His voice was desperate as he hoped I'd believe him and honestly, I did. I believed every word he uttered but it didn't fucking change the fact that he loves her— It didn't change the fact that he cheated on me with her.
The tears I fought to hold in rolled down as I listened to him. It felt good knowing that he wants me and that this isn't just an easy task of choice for him. I stepped closer to him, wanting to hug him but held myself back.
"You love her Zayn. . . and she loves you. I could never get in the way of that."
He clearly panicked, his entire face changing into various expressions all at once and before I could even think of objecting, he caged my face between his palms.
"What the fuck are you saying?"
He looked me dead in the eyes, opening up his soul to me so I'd see just how desperate and truthful he was being but it didn't matter. His eyes were bloodshot red as they stared into my equally drenched ones.
"I don't know what she did to you but love is forgiveness. Love is stronger than hate and as much as you might think you hate her, you don't. That's why I can't do this anymore."
My heart broke more and more with every word that left my lips as he shook his head— letting out little objections.
"I want you. I—"
I couldn't hear it, I shook my head violently to get him to stop.
"—Please don't"
I begged but his hold fell to my arms, holding me delicately amidst all the chaos.
"You told me you're staying as long as I want you to. I want you to. I want you."
He widened his eyes with every word that left his lips as if that would make me understand the words better.
"—You'd hate me if I stay. You'd grow to resent me when you finally realize that being with me meant giving her up. I'd rather die Zayn than to have you hate me."
He scoffed and stepped away from me like I was infected with an air borne disease that he could contract.
"Please!"
He slumped his shoulders in defeat. All his walls crumbling before my eyes and I just stared at him. He opened his mouth to speak but closed it.
"I'd be okay, I'd drink tons of alcohol and cry my head off but I'd be fine."
I knew he was concerned about my feelings so I needed him to know that I'd live— I will definitely not be the same but I'd survive.
"This isn't a funeral, it's just a goodbye. We shouldn't be sad, right? We had a fucking good time together. The sex was great."
He chuckled at the last sentence and I smiled, wiping the brave tear that rolled down my chin. I'd miss us.

I'd definitely miss all the little arguments we used to have for absolutely no reason. I honestly think we like the toxicity that surrounds our relationship, sad but I think we do.
"—And there were good laughs and everything. You walk around having everybody scared of you but you're an amazing person and I'm soo happy to have met you."
My words weren't having the effect I had hoped for as the tears he had been holding in finally fell. My breath literally seized at the thought of causing him pain in anyway— I'd rather hurt myself than to hurt him.
I made my way to him, unable to see him in such a state. I wanted to kiss his pain away but that would do more harm than good. I caressed his jaw and he let me— closing his eyes like he intended to memorize my touch. His hands found my hips and he pulled me closer. I wasn't going to deny him a chance of touching me for the last time. I needed it more than he did.
"You're soo beautiful."
He whispered like it pained him to reveal that and I smiled. I was definitely going to miss hearing him say that. It had become my cure to insecurities that swam through my mind. Being with Zayn made me feel soo fucking beautiful and wanted. As much as it made me settle for less than I deserved, it has shown me that I deserve better and can get better.
Sadly it hurts that I do believe that that better is indeed him. I deserve him, more than any other woman ever would because I love him— more than any other woman ever would.
He rested his forehead on mine so that we were breathing the same air and I closed my eyes. I'd never be able to love another person the way I love Zayn. I'm soo madly in love with him that the thought of him being genuinely happy makes me happy even though I know that means being as far away from him as possible.
"I never planned to keep you but why does it hurt soo bad that I'm losing you?"
I tried to hold in my tears when I asked him this, knowing the answer but never once anticipating it was going to be this painful. I let him in, I opened the door to my heart that I never allowed anyone to walk through and it hurts because like a vampire, once he was in, he never left.

I felt his nose against mine and quickly opened my eyes. His hand caressed my cheek softly, trailing down to my lips. He wanted to kiss me and fuck I wanted to fucking kiss him too but I would never let that happen for my own sanity.
"No. Not when your lips have been on hers." I screwed my eyes shut, relishing in the feeling of him rubbing my lips.
"My body Zayn, had been touched— Soo many fucking times." I tried not to cry as I stepped closer to him than I already was, staring into his soul to make sure he listened.
"— I don't wanna hear it."
He shook his head but I wasn't going to relent. I held his face firmly so he wouldn't look away from me.
"— But my heart had never, ever been touched and that. . . I gave to you. I'll never fucking regret it."
He broke down completely for the first time, not even trying to stop or hold back his tears.
He flung his body into my hold and I held him tightly as he cried softly— almost like he wasn't except I could feel it. His face was buried in the crook of my neck, wetting my skin as I sobbed into his neck as well.
"Please don't leave me!"
He begged and I hugged him tighter, pulling him closer that he could've become one with my body if it was possible. I wish he meant it. I would've stayed in a heartbeat if he needed me to.
"Fuck I love you soooo much it hurts to leave you."

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•Princess T•