SHARED GLANCES, jasper hale

01 - camden is better

[TRIGGER WARNING - PARENTAL ABUSE AND EATING DISORDER DISCUSSED - READ AT YOUR OWN RISK]

As Camden steps through the automatic doors of the grey building, her heart beats in sync with her footsteps and her breathing is steading. Her fear for this building was once strong and her throat would burn achingly but now, she felt at peace with her situation.

The familiar red headed receptionist greets her energetically, her eyes soft and welcoming as she hands over an iPad. Sharon was her name, Camden didn't mind her. The flat screen that Camden used to fill out her wellness form and wrote down her behaviours and thoughts over the past week. It wasn't as personal as a journal but it was thorough. She could recite the questions with her eyes closed by now.

As she glances around the pale blue walls and settles on the cloud like couch, she allows her eyes to wander. She glances over the hand picked magazines thrown across the table in an array of colourful gardens and motor vehicles. There weren't many magazines that were appropriate for this organisation - they needed to be benefitting for any of the individuals who stepped foot inside the building.

Her hazel orbs flick to the oak door with the golden name plate reading "DR. CHENG TJU" in evenly spaced out bold lettering. Camden's willing attendance was because of the brilliant woman behind that door. She, alongside her aunt and cousin, were the reason Camden made it as far as she has - Camden would forever owe them.

From a young age, Camden saw the way her mother looked at her - as a problem that needed to be fixed. She saw her mother's winces when she laughed causing her chin to double and her stomach to continue moving seconds after she ceased laughter. She saw how her mother's eyes turned into slits when food was mentioned in a conversation.

She was told countless times how much her mother regretted allowing Camden to eat without regret for as long as she had. Camden learnt quickly that Anita Sawyer wanted her to be thinner, she wanted her to be the annual winner of Seattle's beauty pageants. Camden was forced to follow in her mother's footsteps to allow Anita to be the pageant mum who would have the weight loss secrets that the other mums would beg for.

Camden heard every loud and obnoxious comment made by the attendees at birthday parties and play dates when she asked if she could have a sip of soda or a bite of the cake. She heard the advice adults would offer to her mother to help the cravings stop.

Camden didn't understand why she was handed the water and vegetable sticks while the other children were led to the table coated with sugary sweets and various cakes that were calling her name. She didn't understand why her mother would shoot her disgusted and disappointed looks when her stomach rumbled.

Camden was too young to realise that her mother had indeed heard the other kids taunts and insults which caused tears to well up in her eyes but had felt Camden needed to hear the harsh truth from someone.

For her ninth birthday, she was gifted a scrap book of magazine cut outs from her mother. It was placed in the top shelf of the hallway cupboard which become a place of fear for Camden. Her mother would grab the folder and force Camden to look at the cut outs of models with thigh gaps and stomachs as thin as their wrists. Camden was informed of the differences and was made to recite them until she was sobbing her heart out.

No more did her mother force the green juices down her throat instead of solid foods because one glance at that folder and Camden was voluntarily drinking them. Dry heaving over a toilet bowl filled with green acid became a common state her mother would walk in on.

Camden had once hoped for mother to rush to the side and offer her solace but she would only receive an encouraging smile. The small action made the bitter taste and the burning in her throat worth it to Camden because her mother was finally happy with her.