Review for: NuminousAuthor
Review by: blossoming_words
Book: The Devil at Paramount High
Chapters Read: 8 (including prologue)
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WARNING: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS!
Summary
Your summary was engaging and really drew me in to reading the story. It left me asking questions and made me want to keep reading more about this caste system at Paramount High. Great work!
Cover
Your cover is very detailed and goes well with the context of your story. I really feel that this cover reflects your on your themes of mental illness and abuse as stated in your summary.
Prologue
Your prologue was enticing and gave lots of insightful information about the context of your story. The only issue I found was with your last sentence. I'm not sure if this was intentional or not but you wrote
"However, Nero doesn't expect that when he transfers, he doesn't expect the chaos that comes with being a Charity Case."
As you can see, you've repeated the same phrase twice. I would suggest phrasing the sentence more like this:
"However, When Nero transfers, he doesn't expect the chaos that comes with being a Charity Case."
That was the only mistake I found and the rest of your prologue looked great!
Chapter 1
This chapter is very well written and the way you introduced Nero has already gotten me hooked on his character. The only problem I have is with the punctuating of your dialogue. On almost every section of dialogue, you don't include a period when the character is done speaking or when a period is needed before a piece of dialogue is introduced and you have commas in your dialogue that are placed incorrectly as well. It is very off-putting when reading your story so I'd suggest going back and fixing those mistakes. If you need more clarification, feel free to ask me.
Chapter 2
This chapter gave me that typical high school drama story vibe, but with a twist. The whole idea of the caste system really sets your story apart from others with the same content. The only thing that confused me a little was the fact that you gave a background on Zion at the beginning of the chapter. I didn't feel like it fit with the flow of the story that well, but I was still happy that it gave some insight in to Zion's life outside of Paramount High and his relationship with his stepmom.
Chapter 3
Instead of saying Mr Creed the senior throughout the chapter, just say Mr. Creed, Sr. It just sounds better than "the senior" and makes the story flow smoother.
Honestly, I'm a little confused. You've talked about Zion for the past two chapters and have only mentioned Nero a couple times. When I read your summary, I assumed that Nero would be the main character but it seems like he's been cast into the background and you've focused more on Zion's side of the story. It was also confusing when you switched from Zion to Nero in the middle of the chapter. You may want to think about the organization of your story. Maybe introduce Zion a little later? I liked how you made them meet each other, but really I'd just like to see more of Nero as the main character throughout the story since your summary conveys that he is.
Additionally, your introduction of a third character, Alba, all in the same chapter, makes the story seem kind of rushed. Try not to introduce too many characters at once. It makes reading really jumbled and confusing. Instead of cramming a bunch of new characters into one chapter, try to space out character introductions in to several chapters.
Chapter 4
This chapter had some really good detail, and I enjoyed the growing romance between Zion and Nero. The only thing that is extremely off-putting is the punctuation of your dialogue like I stated before. There are several spots where there aren't periods and your sentences turn into run-ons and it's honestly really hard for me to completely enjoy reading your story because of that. I also thought the whole romance thing was kind of rushed since Zion and Nero just met and are already kissing each other, but I'm assuming from what you wrote that was an intentional element.
Chapter 5
You have a way of writing that entices me so much and I can't stop reading. I am already so interested in Alba's character and what the future holds for Zion and Nero. The plot twist with the Beneficiaries being bullied along with the Charity Cases was also very interesting. Not to mention I'm also extremely into anime, so this story is one that I'm really enjoying since I can relate to the characters' love of it.
Chapter 6
I am excited to see Alba and Nero's friendship growing stronger as well as his relationship with Zion.
I was honestly shocked to see that Zion has a crazier side to him, and that he made Nero his Serf! Those were things I definitely wasn't expecting and it makes me want to keep reading more and more.
Chapter 7
I liked the beginning of this chapter. It really helped me understand more about Alba's character and what she endures with her side of the story.
The sudden rage Zion had towards his maid and the part where he punched her in the face along with his obvious obsession with Nero were some thrilling moments as well!
But, again, the switching between two characters perspectives in the middle of the chapter isn't really working for me and it's kind of a put-off honestly.
Besides that though, I'm excited to see what happens next now that it's been revealed that Zion has two sides to him.
OVERVIEW
I hope this review wasn't too harsh and that you found it helpful in some way.
This story was definitely nothing like I've ever read before. The idea of a caste system in a school is so unique and attention-grabbing. This is such an amazing story and I'm surprised that you haven't gotten more reads! Just work on fixing those issues with your dialogue and maybe work on not switching between character perspectives so much as it can get pretty confusing and overwhelming.
Now that I've read this story, I honestly hope you make a sequel!
Thank you so much for letting me review your book and I wish you the best of luck with your current and future writing.
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