• If I could turn back time •

17. The Wolf In My Heart

"The wolf in my heart will never let the world see the lamb in my soul, but sometimes you see it in my eyes."
———

One night, I awoke from a nightmare in a cold sweat, hands trembling. My lip quivered as I drew in a slow, shaky breath, trying to gather my wits. I imagined that Steve was still asleep next to me, but when I turned to look, I couldn't make out his body beneath the sheets in the darkness. My gaze flicked up when I noticed the bathroom light was on, filtering out from under the closed door. 'Maybe he just needed to use the bathroom.' I thought, sitting there for a moment.

After a few minutes, he still didn't come out.

I was beginning to get nervous, not to mention worried. Was he okay? Was something he ate bothering him? I wanted to know what was wrong. Fear gnawed at me until it forced me out of bed. My vision spun for a few seconds and I had to stand still until it passed. I slowly navigated the dark room in order to reach the bathroom, my steps silent and calculated. Once I felt the wood grain of the door, I gently tapped one of my knuckles on its surface. "Steve?" I spoke in a hushed voice, my voice still a bit scratchy since I was getting over being sick.

No answer. I knocked again and waited for a response, but got nothing. I pressed my ear up against the door so I could listen, wondering if I'd be able to hear him. I definitely heard something, but I wasn't sure what it was. Regardless, it caused the knot of worry in my stomach to tighten and I wanted to get in there. I tried the doorknob. Thank god it was unlocked.

The door opened to reveal Steve curled up against the wall, his fingers tangled in his hair, which was plastered to his head with sweat. I could hear strangled sobs coming from him as I quietly entered, my heart feeling like it was being squeezed. I had never seen him like this before and it scared me. "Steve...? Stevie.... what's wrong?" I softly asked, sitting down next to him. I didn't lay a hand on him just yet, he might not want to be touched right now.

He didn't answer me, he just continued sobbing his poor little heart out. I couldn't take it anymore and gently pulled him into my lap, holding his head against my chest while I gently rubbed his back. Now I understood how scared he must've felt when I had breakdowns like these.

We stayed there for a good portion of the night. I managed to calm him down to a point where he stopped crying, but he still wouldn't speak to me. That was fine, he was probably exhausted anyways. I carried him back to the bed bridal style and gently set him down, tucking him in just like a child and kissing his forehead. When I got into bed next to him, he clung to me for dear life and buried his head in my chest.

Then, he mumbled a few words that would haunt me for the rest of the night.

"I should've jumped after you...."

———

Needless to say, we weren't the first ones downstairs that morning. Steve was tired, I was tired, so we both decided to sleep in.

When I woke up, Steve's back was pressed against my chest and my arms were wrapped around him. I shuddered a little when I remembered what happened last night, but shook it off. I didn't want him to know how I felt. Today was a brand new day, so that's how it was going to start.

I tilted my head a bit and pressed a gentle kiss to the back of Steve's neck, the warmth of his skin making my lips tingle. I heard him giggle a bit and smiled, pressing another lingering kiss to the same spot. My hands slowly slid down his sides, coming to rest on his hips. I kept my right hand there while my left hand slowly traveled up his shirt. My smile grew as I pressed the cold metal against his back.

"Buck..." He whined, trying to reach around and grab my hand so he could stop me.

I huffed a little, slipping my hand out from under his shirt and placing it back on his hip. "You're such a baby..." I murmured, kissing the back of his neck again.

"Because your hand is too damn cold..." Steve mumbled in response, shifting a bit so he was snuggled up against me.

I chuckled and gently squeezed his hips. "Well it is made out of metal, sweetheart." I teased playfully. "And I'm appalled to know that Captain America even curses like that."

That earned a snort from him. "I try to do it sparingly, but when it comes to you.... I can make an exception."

"Whatever, punk."

"Jerk."

A/N: Okay... Imma just say this: I literally have no update schedule whatsoever 😂 All of my updates just happen randomly whenever I get the motivation to write. I happened to be watching Stucky videos beforehand, so that's where my motivation came from to write this chapter. Hope you guys are still enjoying this book!