• If I could turn back time •

3. What We Lost

"I wake up.
They say we won.
They did not say what we lost."
———

It felt strange to be by Steve's side again. There was a void between the last time I stood next to him and now. I couldn't really remember anything solid, only bits and pieces. The only thing that mattered to me at the moment was that Steve was here. I felt more at ease following him through the crowded hallways than when I navigated them by myself.

We walked outside and sat on a bench. I remained silent, unsure of what to say. Would he accept me? Would he forgive me, even after all I'd done? Negative thoughts filtered through my mind and my saddened gaze stared at the ground, acting like the concrete was the most interesting thing in the world. I don't remember how to act around people without being portrayed as an awkward creep. My long, unkempt hair and unshaven face probably contributed to the fact that no one wanted to approach me.

Yet, Steve had approached me with open arms.

He must've noticed how hesitant I was to speak, because he cleared his throat a bit and started a casual conversation. "So... whatcha been up to, Buck?" He looked at me, like there was something in me worth looking at.

'Buck.' That sounded like a nickname. It was cute. I liked it. My eyes shifted back and forth as I searched for an answer. It was like rebooting an ancient machine that hadn't been used in centuries. It was a slow, frustrating process. "Nothing much.... um.. what about you?" I finally said, the words rolling strangely off my tongue. This was probably the first real conversation I've had in over 70 years, maybe more. It felt strange, but exciting at the same time.

Steve smiled at me. He seemed happy. That made my heart flutter a little. "Eh... still trying to get used to all the new things of the time. It's weird, isn't it?" He chuckled, gesturing to the bustling city around us. A soft sigh soon followed and he leaned forwards on his knees, a troubled expression overcoming him. He looked up at me again, a twinge of sadness in his eyes. "Where have you been..? Ever since the whole helicarrier incident, I've been trying to find you....."

I paused, tilting my head a bit. I don't remember what a helicarrier is, but.... Steve was looking for me? He wondered where I was? He still.. cared about me? I looked away in shame, feeling horrible that I even considered that he might not have cared about me anymore. "Why were you looking for me?" I asked, flinching again when Steve placed his hand on my shoulder. I noticed the hurt look in his eyes and felt crushed. He was sad. He gave me this heart-wrenching look and I swore I could see tears in his eyes. I felt like I needed to leave. I had made him upset. "I'm s-sorry..." I mumbled, going to get up when a firm hand on my shoulder pulled me back down.

"Bucky..." Steve's voice cracked and a single tear rolled down his cheek. It made my heart break just watching. "I-I thought I lost you.... When I saw you like that, I knew I just.... I just had to get through to you. You were still in there, crying out for help. I couldn't.... leave you like that..." He paused to wipe his eyes. "I never stopped looking for you. And now that I've finally found you, I feel at ease..." His hand gently squeezed my shoulder and he smiled through the tears. "You're my best friend, Bucky. That's why I was looking for you."

Tears began welling up in my own eyes. It had been a while since I last cried. I had been cold and emotionless for so long, it was like a whole new world had been opened up to me. My breath caught in my throat and I shuddered, tears spilling onto my cheeks like little rivers. I looked at Steve for a moment more before pressing my head against his shoulder and just letting everything go. My tears flowed freely as sobs wracked my body. I felt him wrap his arms around me and hold me in his loving embrace, one hand soothingly rubbing my back.

We stayed there for a bit, Steve continuously rubbing my back and whispering sweet nothings in my ear to calm me down. He didn't care about the people who cast us questioning looks and neither did I. When my sobs eventually died down, I was left both drained and refreshed at the same time. It felt amazing to finally let out all the emotions I had been bottling up over the years. I drew in a shaky breath, slowly taking deeper ones as time passed to calm myself down.

"All better...?" Steve murmured, looking at me with a soft smile. He gently caressed my cheek with his thumb, brushing aside a few strands of hair so he could see my face.

I sniffed and looked at him for a moment, my stormy blue eyes still full of emotion. I nodded after a minute and wiped my eyes with my knuckles. My head was comfortable resting against Steve's shoulder. I didn't want to move it. But, I didn't want to be bothersome either. "I-I'm sorry...." I mumbled quietly, starting to lift my head with a slight blush of embarrassment tainting my cheeks.

Steve only shushed me and nudged my head back down, his hand beginning to rub circles on my back. "No, it's okay... You can stay there as long as you need to. I don't have to be anywhere." He said with a chuckle, glancing around for a moment before refocusing on me.

I hesitated, then put my head back where it was and sighed softly. Steve's chest was warm and comforting. I could just faintly hear his heartbeat, which was oddly soothing.

"You hear that, Buck? That's my heart. It means I'm still alive." Steve chuckled, coughing hoarsely afterwards.

"Y-Yeah..." I was shaking out of fear that I might lose Steve, but the steady thump of his heart soothed me. I had my ear pressed against his chest, just listening to his heartbeat. God, I could listen to it all day long. It meant that he was still here with me. He was still fighting like the little punk he was.

My heart warmed at the memory, a small smile tugging on the corners of my lips. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to relax in Steve's embrace, the soft beating of his heart practically lulling me to sleep. I wish I could sit here all day.

I hope I never lose Steve again.

I don't know what I'd do if I did.

A/N: AHHHH I was literally crying when I was writing this, it was such a heartfelt chapter! I love it so much!