written january third, twenty twenty
and published in retrospect
the trouble with growth is that it is not instant, although we expect it to be. the toxicity of waking up early on january first and declaring yourself a new, changed human being is incredibly damaging to growth. not that very act, exactly, but the inevitable crash that comes on the second, or the tenth, or even a few months later, because we as people just aren't designed for the short term. the guilt that follows is the harmful part, to our development and crucially to our sense of self worth. if we can't stick to such a simple mandate as to look after our own bodies, our own minds, in ways that we ourselves have defined, what exactly are we worthy of? well, everything. your worth is not defined by your ability, or rather your circumstantial will, to follow self-imposed definitions of how you want to be. growth is messy and imperfect and contrary to popular belief it doesn't always move forwards, but it will never take you backwards. i suppose the truth is the separation of the goal from the individual is what causes us to fail, combined with the fact that instantaneous growth is neither sustainable nor possible, scientifically. when your goals are so far removed from your own reality that you can't even face sticking to them by the tenth day, you and your goals simply aren't aligned. make them a part of the person you are now, make sure you believe in them and make sure they aid growth and not change. the distinction must be made. a true new year's resolution takes into account the person you are and then aims to improve it, mentally, spiritually, physically, however, with the aim of a better quality of life. but your life belongs to you, not the version of yourself you wish to become. that person will never be a part of you if you try and become them overnight because it simply isn't possible. work slowly - grow in the direction of your goals until you know, love and treat yourself better. because at the end of the day this life is yours, but only for a short while. chase only happiness.
