The Privilege

The Rain

"Alex!" I heard Alisa yelled in distance. I tried to find her. I was in a dark place and I could see nothing. It was pitch black space. I could feel my heart beating fast and all I hear was Alisa calling for my name.

"Alex! Oh no..."

"Alisa!" I tried and tried to find her, I followed her voice here and there but I couldn't find her.

"Alex please wake up!" Alisa's voice was cracked, I knew she almost cried.

"Wake up? Alisa! Where are you?! Alisa!" I panicked. I was still trying to find her, grabbing empty air in every side around me as I kept walking.

"Alex!" suddenly I felt my body was being shaken strenuously as the voice getting louder.

All of a sudden the pitch black space was gone. My body felt drained and I got blurry vision of anything captured by my eyes. I rubbed my eyes to get a better sight. Everything now back in colors and Alisa was there looked at me with her worried eyes. Her face was as white as a sheet and I could feel her anxiety. At first I didn't understand the situation, but I gathered myself and realized that I was still at Alisa's home. I must be overslept for the countless time. I was always stopped by Alisa's house after work on my way back home. She resigned from her work after the accident to focus on the treatment. The Doctor said she might have her hearing ability back after underwent several operations. All she needed in the meantime was mental support. I never stopped to wish that miracle would come so she didn't have to take the surgeries. I knew she was afraid of it and I wanted to take all the pain from her body and replace it with mine.

I was lucky because Alisa's parents never resented my appearance after the accident. They always welcomed me into the house. They even had provided me with sofa bed inside Alisa's room. They might be found me overslept on the floor after taking care of their daughter for many times before. One day they told me that they put a sofa bed inside her room so I could use it for sleep whenever I feel tired. There was a glitch in my heart every time I thought about their mercy because I never formally apologized to them after what happened.

'It was a bad dream. I'm okay. Sorry.' I wrote the note on my phone. I really needed to learn sign language faster so I could talk to her in a way she would understand easily.

"You scared me," she said with a trembling voice.

"I'm sorry. I'm okay," my voice came out in the softest way possible, almost whispering, as I hugged Alisa and kissed her hair. I wasn't sure what to say sorry for since I've done many things to apologized to Alisa. Was it for the sudden scene? Was it for destroying Alisa's future? Or was it for every pain I caused to Alisa? I surely had to do the apologized one day. I had to gather my bravery and talked about things left unsaid for both of us. I was too occupied with the thoughts and didn't realize Alisa already broke the hug and caressed my face with both hands, as if she could hear my thoughts. Her eyes filled with emotion.

"Alex, do you know how grateful I am because you never leave? Having you is more than enough. Loving you is never enough. I've told you this many times, but you never actually listened, didn't you?" her desperate voice echoing to the thin air.

"No. I know. It's just me. I don't even know why. It's my dream, Alisa. I can't even control it" I felt helpless and angry at the same time. Would Alisa ever understand about things I felt inside?

"The thought of hating yourself is bothering you all the time. I could see it in you eyes. You have bad dreams and you always screaming my name in the dream, don't you? I know exactly what it is about," she continued. I couldn't read emotions that laid on her face. I tried to understand her, tried to feel her. But I also lost in my own emotions, I couldn't stop the rain myself. I could feel my hands unconsciously found their way to hug Alisa, but my mouth couldn't find any words to say. Stay still, wanted to embrace her.

"Will you ever getting tired of hating yourself and leave me? Because you better kill me now, Alex. I can't," My body become stiff as I heard desperation in her voice.

"No, Alisa. I won't. Shit! Why do you even think about that?! I would never do that to you!" I tightened the hug. I didn't know if Alisa could understand what I was saying. I just wanted for the rain inside my heart to stop. Hoping all the things that happened was only a dream that I never actually awake from.

The urgency to keep everything close to my insanity was still as strong as it should be. I love her with my whole life, I blamed myself for everything that happened to her even until this day. I couldn't understand the reason why she asked me to forgive myself, to forget everything I caused, the reckless me.

"Alex, my life is falling apart in front of my eyes, both of our lives are. I want to give up on everything, but I know, the one that keeps my feet on the ground is you, I lean my life on you. That day will always hunting us. That day will always be our shared nightmare, and this is the exact reason why I can't forgive myself if you never recover from it," Alisa pleaded as she escaped from my embrace. The movement of her hands were desperate, as if she tried to reach the empty air inside the room. I could feel the anger and regret slowly filled my heart as the reflection of my now empty hands.

"The truth is, we never moved from that day. I will never recover from it. It was on me, Alisa! It stays inside my head everyday! You could see it clearly! We will always be there, every time we open our eyes in the morning until we close them!," I desperately tried to explain myself to Alisa. In that brief moment of anger I forgot that Alisa couldn't hear me. But something in Alisa's face that told me that my message was clear to Alisa. She changed her expression, her soft eyes burned with rage. She understood what I was trying to convey.

"But I moved away, Alex! If I couldn't do that, if I can't face myself today, I can't live. And you're the main reason for me to hold on. If you being like this, what should I do, then? How could I live, then?!" Alisa yelled her heart out. I knew she wanted to be reassured.

The rain wouldn't stop. No matter how many times I wish that it would be over soon, it wouldn't. Someday it would kill me as it consumed me from time to time. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to react. I felt my body stay still, staring at Alisa's eyes as I gathered the strength to walk away from the room, leaving Alisa alone with unreadable emotions. The rain would turn into a storm, but I felt that both of us had nothing left to hold on to.