Voir Dire (N.H.)

twenty-six

Shit. Kelsey thought to herself. Her mind raced to come up with an explanation. "Ya I was surprised too but I did submit an early admission awhile ago, and they just needed the LSAT score so I guess...."

"I'm so proud of you," Niall said softly, looking towards Kelsey with a smile. But she didn't look they way someone who just got into the law school should look; her eyes distant, lips pressed together, palms rubbing together. The pit in Niall's stomach grows larger.

"Listen, Niall," Kelsey began, but instead of looking Niall in the eyes like she should have she's staring out the window at the Los Angeles springtime. She was beginning to regret not doing this over the phone. "Law school isn't going to be easy. And this," she gestured between the two of them. "Well this isn't easy either, and the tour certainly isn't going to make it easier."

Niall knew what words were going to leave Kelsey's mouth next. But that didn't mean he was prepared to hear them.

"I can't do this anymore."

"Can't do what?" Niall asked, even though he already knew the answer.

"This. Us. Getting into school just really put things into perspective for me. And you've got Krystal and the tour coming up and the promo, and I just...I just can't," Kelsey threw her hands up. 

"You're breaking up with me?" Niall questioned, his voice confused. His eyebrows furrow in the middle, forming a large crease in the center of his forehead. "Here? Now?"

Kelsey could sense the hurt in his voice. The confusion. The shock. But she couldn't waver on her words. Because this was what was best for him. "Yes," her words come out firm, but the inside of her body feels weak.

"No discussion or anything? You're not going to even try to make this work?" Niall asked incredulously.  "I mean you got big news today Kelsey, life changing news. Don't you think you should be making one big decision at a time. I mean if that's how you're feeling we can talk about it," Niall said. He stood, walking over to where Kelsey sat on the couch and knelt, grabbing her hands in his. "Let's talk about it darling."

Niall's touch sent electricity up Kelsey's arms. She stared at his hands, his hands intertwined with hers for the last time, and she kept staring at them, because she knew if she looked up and saw the hurt and fear in Niall's eyes, she would break down. She had to get out of here. She had to end this. She thought she was strong enough, she thought that knowing that this was the right thing would make this easier. But it wasn't. She couldn't do it. Not like this.

"Niall, there's nothing to talk about it. The decisions made. I'm chasing after my dreams, and you need to keep chasing after yours." Kelsey pulled away and stood, preparing to make her exit.

"This doesn't make sense Kels. What's going on?" Niall stood to follow Kelsey. His heart was racing faster now, trying to make sense of the emotions that were coming over him. This was out of nowhere. There was nothing that Kelsey had said or done over the past few weeks that would have hinted that she didn't want things to continue. He didn't understand.

"Nothing's going on Niall. I've had my clarity and I know that this is what's best- for both of us," Kelsey snapped, immediately regretting the tone of her voice as soon as she heard it. This was supposed to be a mature conversation, and now- well now she'd just made the first blow.

"Oh so you know what is best for both of us now?" Niall replied, his voice growing in volume. It's like a switch had flipped inside of him, and his hurt and confusion was being funneled into frustration.

Kelsey continued to move towards the entryway. Her voice quieted. "I'm saving us both from getting hurt down the road. You may not be able to see that now but you will."

Her change in tone only frustrated Niall more. Why was she being so calm about this? Why was she acting so indifferent? 

"I never thought you were one to back down from a challenge, Kels. But this," he looked her straight in the eyes, pointing his finger at her and then back at himself.  "This is the coward's way out. This is you ending things before you can get hurt." Niall watched as Kelsey's begins to bite her lip, a sign he knows means she's trying to hold back. "Is that what you think I want for us? For you to end up with a broken heart?" his voice increased in volume with every word, and now he's sure that any jogger passing by his house could hear his shouts. "I love you Kelsey. And I thought you loved me too," Niall's voice quivered, and he feels his eyes begin to water. "But someone in love wouldn't do what you're doing."

Kelsey wanted to scream at him. She wanted to shout and tell him that she was only doing this because she loved him so much. She loved him so much that she would rather give him up then watch him lose the most important thing in the world to him.

But she couldn't. She wasn't allowed to speak a word. So instead, she stood, staring at the grey striped rug of Niall's entryway and biting the inside of her cheek so hard she was sure she tasted blood- trying anything and everything to keep the tears at bay.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. But she knows sorry isn't enough. Sorry doesn't keep your heart from shattering into a million fragments. Sorry doesn't keep that ache in your chest that comes up whenever you think of the person at bay. Sorry doesn't make up for the way she hurt Niall, even if it wasn't her own choice. 

Kelsey moved to open the front door, but Niall beat her to it, flinging it open with such force that Kelsey thought it might rip from its hinges. She paused, standing in the doorframe that represented two worlds: one in which she got to love Niall and one in which she didn't. 

She looked back at him. His eyes glistening not from light but from tears. His brows crumpled and his lips taut. This wasn't the happy go-lucky man who'd joked with her from across a bar all those weeks ago. This man was wounded, and she was the one holding the weapon.

"I hope one day you realize that until you get over your fear of a broken heart, no relationship of yours is ever going to see the finish line," Niall inhaled deeply, hesitating only slightly before saying "And you're the only one to blame for that."

Niall's words stung, and Kelsey knew that if she stayed here any longer the tears would begin to fall and she wouldn't be able to stop them. So she stepped across the divide, and walked to her car without looking back, as Niall stood at his door and wondered how on earth the most important person in the world to him had just walked out of his life. 

When Kelsey got back to the apartment, Becca was waiting with open arms and a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. But Kelsey didn't even have an appetite. Instead, she sat down on the couch, and buried her head into Becca's shoulder until Becca's sweatshirt was soaked with tears. 

Kelsey could hear her phone vibrating on the kitchen counter. She didn't have to look at it to know it was him. When she finally grabbed her phone she had seven missed calls, three unread voice messages and about twenty texts. She wanted to listen to them. She wanted to hear his voice and his words, and she wanted everything to be okay again. But she couldn't, so Kelsey deleted every single one without a second glance.

Kelsey had been heartbroken many times in her life. But this heartbreak- this was the worst of all of them.