NOT HOW IT SEEMS |YOONSEOK|

one

  03/17/16
  Entry #58
  Everyone is told about aiming for their dreams and to never quit until they achieve them, but I have never had any goals in life. People go to college to earn degrees that they want to major in and pursue a career they are interested in, but I have never had such ambitions. People grow up in order to move out of their parents household and start to move on their own two feet and it is inspiring, but I could never do that. Some people call them brave, but I call them a damn fool.

People live their lives without needing to know what they are going to do everyday, but I am not one of those people. My life is very predictable because there is always a schedule to follow and there is never gray area to even consider doing something else. For most of my life, it felt like I was in a prison because of the strict schedule that gave me no time to breathe. In many ways, I felt trapped even though I had not committed a crime. I have known for a long time that there is no life for me and I have come to accept that.

I am only a twenty-three-year-old man, and in theory, I should be able to do as I please, but with my parents around, I have no chance. There were times when being perfect became too much and I lashed out on them, but they have made it clear if I do not follow their wishes, any dreams I have will be crushed. While I know it seems like a silly threat, it is not because my parents happen to be very wealthy and very influential. I am not dumb enough to leave; I would be lucky to get a job at a drive-thru restaurant if I did.

There was a time when I felt tempted to take that chance though. During my time at college, it was the closest I got to ever having a normal life. I continued to live at home, but while I was on campus, I finally was able to experience normal things, such as attending a class and ordering food from a local restaurant. My whole life was spent being isolated by tutors and computers. I had access to very limited websites because my parents only thought that being aware of the news was important, but at college I had access to the library where I could explore brand new things.

It stayed a secret for almost two years before my parents found out. From then on there were much stricter regulations and expectations. I was still allowed to attend college because I needed to finish my degree, but I was no longer allowed to stay after classes. Of course I obliged, since I was had no choice. It was then when I realized I was depressed. My only source of happiness was taken from me, and it caused me to go numb. It was a dark time for me to say the least.

However, it seems that the world wanted to give me more false hope. There was one day when one of my professors offered a lecture outside of our class hours for extra credit. While I did not need it, my parents agreed because it would only make them look better if their son did better than everyone else. The lecture was only two hours after one of my classes ended, so instead of taking the hour trip back home just to return back to campus, I stayed. I was not allowed to go on the computers, so I decided to just read a book on different illnesses. Maybe in another life I could be a doctor.

While I was reading, some guy asked where I had found the book, and while I am not accustomed to speaking to people, I do know how to because there would be no greater shame to my parents if I failed to do so. However, instead of just ending the conversation by pointing to where the book was, I offered to show them where because fuck it: I will never get another chance to talk to a person.

Our interaction was not interesting, but I decided to be bold and ask the man a question. The response was short, but he responded with another question, and it made me smile knowing someone was curious about me even if it was just to be polite. Once we had reached the area I bid farewell only for him to stop me and ask, "You're Jung, Hoseok, right?"

The question threw me off completely. I am a nobody; a person meant to never pique anyone's interest. This person knows who I am? There are people out there who notice my existence? Maybe it was not that important, but to me I felt special because someone not only recognized me, but made an effort to converse with me.