Bradga Short Stories

After [2/5] (TW; addiction, suicide)

Bradley's POV:

6 months earlier...

The bottle in my hand felt cool. It was slippery, the warm room warmed it up a bit, making the water on it roll down the bottle in raindrops. I held it in my hand tightly, I was sure it would break if I grabbed it any tighter.

I didn't want to do this. I had been sober for 15 years. I was doing well, I never even felt the urge to touch a bottle of alcohol again, yet here I was, on my fourth bottle of Whiskey. The room around me was spinning already but it still wasn't enough. It would never be enough.

I unscrewed the cap and took another long and desperate sip, letting the cool liquid burn my throat in an agonizing but sweet pain. It was so familiar yet foreign at the same time. I knew the taste like no other but still felt like I was an inexperienced sixteen year old teenage boy that didn't know his limits at his first college party all at the same time.

I took another sip and let myself fall onto the couch, but just ended up falling down onto the carpet in front of it instead. I laid there and stared up at the ceiling. It was spinning, making me dizzy. It looked like what you'd imagined when you literally went spiraling down into nowhere, just a white room that stole you away from reality.

I shut my eyes, but even then everything was spinning.

It had been a week since I'd seen her. She was in LA for work and we didn't talk much, not that we'd talked much prior to that. I loved her more than I'd ever loved another person; I was sure she was my soulmate, the real deal, my Stefani, yet we'd still drifted apart. I knew it was my fault. I used to let her in, I used to let her care for me and help me with my issues and thoughts.

When my depression and anxiety got worse though, I stopped. I pretended I was okay, that I wasn't struggling and played the happy husband for her. I desperately wished I could be the perfect husband to her, for her. She deserved a happy life, a family, children. She deserved that and even more and knowing I could never give that to her killed me slowly. I knew she noticed that I wasn't okay.

She asked and asked and kept asking until I snapped and we got into this huge fight. It all changed after it. She didn't ask anymore, I distanced myself from her further and every time we talked it was tense. She wanted to know why I was pushing her away and I couldn't tell her. I couldn't be man enough and own up to my issues. I never learned how to and I honestly didn't think I even had it in me. I was broken, I didn't want to break her as well and drag her down with me.

The worst part about it was that I knew she'd be here for me if I tried to talk to her. She'd pause everything, stop working and care for me 24/7. She would take me to my therapy appointments, wait for me until I was done and take me home again. She'd run her fingers through my hair and massage my scalp, sing me my favorite songs in a sweet lullaby until I fell asleep with her in my arms. I knew she'd do it all for me and it killed me. I didn't want that for her, it wasn't the life I'd imagined we'd have together.

I felt like a fuck up. I was a fuck up. I didn't deserve her love, I didn't deserve to consume so much of her time and I didn't deserve for her to give her whole life up for me like that. She deserved better.

Stefani Joanne deserved the world and if I could I'd give it to her, but I simply couldn't. Not even close to it either.

As I laid there on the beige carpet she'd picked out for our living room and ran my fingers through it I remembered how she'd feel now. I shut my eyes once again and imagined her perfect blonde hair that sometimes tickled my nose when we laid in bed together and I kissed her head, but I'd never complain. I imagined the way she laughed when I cracked a joke to cheer her up after a hard day at the studio, how her eyes got smaller and the corners of it crinkled in pure joy. I imagined her lips on mine in her familiar kisses, while her hands rested on my chest. She tasted like vanilla and that overpriced Starbucks coffee she loved too much. Her eyes always turned a darker shade of green when she got jealous and I found it horribly adorable when she got overly possessive sometimes. She'd always grab my hand and scowl at the girls in front of me, it was a sight to see.

I smiled a bit at the memories of her.

My favorite memory of her was the first time I laid eyes on her. She was dressed in a beautiful dress, it hugged her figure perfectly and I remembered the way she took my breath away with only her appearance. I didn't know she'd almost suffocate me with her brain as well. She sang for the crowd, looked like an absolute angel and I felt like I was in heaven. I had a hard day and didn't think anything could make me feel better and then she managed to prove me wrong by stumbling into my life.

And now I wished she'd never done it. I wished I didn't stay. I should've let her go when I realized that she was too good for me, but I was selfish. I wanted her for myself, wanted to be the man for her when I knew that I couldn't be and then I was addicted. She was way more addictive than the alcohol, way more captivating and toxic. She'd consumed my whole body and brain with her aura. It felt like I couldn't breathe without her.

I wanted to set her free and leave her many times. I wanted to get up in the middle of the night and run. I wanted to disappear out of her life and have her realize that she could do so much better, but I was too weak to do it.

I never thought about killing myself or even attempting it but after my first bottle of whiskey I did. I thought about it while I opened the second bottle and then I opened the third and suddenly it felt real. I was going to kill myself. I was already in the middle of it without having noticed.

I didn't even realize I'd finished the last bottle of whiskey when I felt myself slip in and out of consciousness.

The weights of not being good enough for the one person I truly wanted to be good for got lifted off of my shoulders when I finally shut my eyes and let the alcohol take me away.

A little cliffhanger ;) I just wanted to thank you guys so much for the support and 15K reads! That's an insane number to me and I never thought anyone would read this!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!💗