Venting

Flashback

First i'd like to say that the pictures i use aren't mine and creds to whoever made them. I just used Pinterest or Google i should have said that in my other books but i totally forgot to heh. The song i was listening to while writing this...

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I was scrolling threw tiktok laying on my bed like i do almost everyday after school when i come by a video of people duetting someone else i pause on scrolling kind of interesting. The caption read "This song is the worst" Along with "Her scream of pure, raw pain. I've done that scream. I felt that so deeply" the song that is playing in the background is Lewis Capaldi - Someone You Loved at the start she starts talking "i use to be the happiest person, don't get me wrong i pretend i'm good" and you can just hear the pain in her voice and her sniffling. She dry laughs before crying softly for a few seconds before you can hear her scream, it isn't loud enough to hurt but you can just tell she's in so much pain then she starts sobbing. After hearing that my eyes started to water and it hurt a bit just to hear it.

Anyone who found that video funny has obviously never felt that type of pain..It also brought me back to when me and my ex best friend were arguing, he didn't accept that i was trans and started telling me i was a girl and just using anything to hurt me especially the things i trusted him enough to tell him what i've been threw and why was he doing this? because i was being a dick and calling him a fuck boy and he didn't like that. Why was i calling him that? because we use to date for a few weeks before i ended it because i could tell he was cheating. He didn't text as much, and whenever i tried to text him to hang out he'd have an excuse which i thought it was weird because we use to hang out a lot no matter what we had. Until we started dating.. after that our friendship ended and he tried saying to his girlfriend he had at the time that i was lying and we didn't date or he never said something. I also left him because i found out he was lying about his girlfriend abusing him, or that she was cheating. He told his girlfriend that he had sex with me, and my two other friends that's why she never got along with us. And other lies that i will not mention.. 

After like 5 months of not seeing him or hearing from him i went to go see a old friend at the mall and who would have knew he was there. It pained me to just see him so i ended up going to the mens bathroom and breaking down, the friend i went to go hang out with went to go talk to him or have a smoke with him. I texted someone to come pick me up and take me home because my day was ruined after that but it took them half and hour or maybe more to get there even after i told my friend what he did and how he was she didn't seem to care yea she called him names and all but she kept going back over there to talk with him and share a smoke which hurt because he looked at her the way he use to look at me, and he hugged her like he always use to do whenever he first seen me when we would hang out.. 

When the person i texted finally came and picked me up i just blasted my music on the speaker i brought. The person next to me didn't notice me silently crying because of how loud the music was and i was looking out the window with it down. Till a certain part came on and i started sobbing, the pain i felt while thinking about hurt so damn much i didn't even care that they were seeing me crying. They pulled over and just held me while i kept crying. I haven't cried like that since someone passed away and that's mainly the only time i cry for so long... He was my best friend and just like most of them he turned on me yes what i called him wasn't nice but he kept crossing the line and how the argument also started before i called him a fuck boy was that he was calling his girlfriend a whore and telling me how many guys she slept with. You ever lay in your bed at night crying and you wanna scream but you can't? even though it hurts so bad.. so all you can do sometimes it cover your mouth with your hand or hide your face in a pillow. 

And it sucks when you remember these things or anything that makes you sad and all yet you can't talk to anyone about it. Yeah people say they'll be there for you but are they really? half the time I try and text a friend they either leave me on read, short replies. Or they don't know what to say and for that I can't really blame them now can I? but it still sucks