They walked hand in hand like a couple. Richie looked down at their hands. At Eddie, who was swinging their hands back and forth like a playful child.
He wondered if it would be okay to ask: what had happened?
Surely, how could Eddie think that Richie would believe that kind of panic. Yes, Eddie's claustrophobia was bad but it wasn't.. not like that, whatever that was. And he would have asked, if Eddie hadn't already struck up a conversation.
"Wow, I can't wait for it to snow, like, really snow—" Richie nodded —"I mean, I just love it. The winter? It's my favorite season. Everyone loves summer but, not me. Winter will always be my favorite? Warm, snuggly blankets with hot chocolate and freshly baked cookies. I can go on, really. I love winter."
"I know." Richie smiled, and thought to himself: please continue. I love your voice, I love you.
"I just can't wait for building snowmen and sledding and skiing. I can't ski but I'd like to learn—" he stopped to pick up a can that was lying on the street— "What else? Oh! Christmas, how can I forget? You will be spending Christmas with me, right?" When Richie didn't answer, "You have to! Please? We can bake those cookies you like. The ones with the frosting and peppermint."
Richie chuckled at his excitement, "I always spend Christmas with you." He says, matter-of-factly. "Well," Eddie begins, "Yes, I know. because your mom is never home." He regrets saying that. Richie's mom is a touchy subject. He should know better, he scolds himself. If he had made Richie upset, he couldn't tell. "She's home.. just, she rather spend her Christmas with her sister and I don't want to go all the way out to California. I mean, the snows here and you're here."
If Eddie hadn't felt warm before, he was now. "Gee, Rich. California? That sounds nice. The beaches, the sand."
"The expenses." Eddie giggles, "You're right. But wouldn't that be nice?" he looks at Richie and stops. Richie, still holding his hand, stops, too. "What?"
"California. Wouldn't it be nice? To live there?" The raven shrugs, "I guess. I've only been once. It didn't feel like Christmas. It was cold though, not as cold as it is here. It rained for a while, kind of sucked." At this Eddie frowned. "I wanna live in California."
Richie took Eddie's other hand and held onto both of them tightly. "Maybe when we graduate, we can go live there. You and me." Eddie smiled, "What, like roommates?"
"Uh, sure. Roommates. We can apply for some colleges in Cali. UCLA, maybe? I don't know, we've got time." Eddie nodded, "Yeah. let's go to California then. Just you and me."
II
They continued their walk back to school, Eddie chittering along the way. He was talking about the holidays, how excited he was. "My dad's trying to bring back the years we lost together," he said, "last year, he dressed up as Santa. Forced me to put out cookies for him. I caught him when I heard loud steps coming from downstairs."
Richie chuckled at the thought of Mr.Kaspbrak, dress in a red suit with a cheap white beard. "Hey, at least he's trying. My dad wouldn't do anything like that." The mention of Richie's dad made Eddie feel a bit iffy. "No, he wouldn't."
"Sometimes," Richie started, "I get jealous.. that you have a dad that cares about you and accepts you. A dad that isn't fucked up."
He's never heard richie sound so sad. Eddie runs his thumb over Richie's, a calming thing for him. "Your dad does care, Chee." Richie scoffed. "He just has a bad way of showing it. He wants the best for you." Richie doesn't reply. "I'm sorry, Chee."
Richie doesn't answer. "Hey, it'll all go away when we're in California!" Eddie smiles and that smile is enough to give Richie hope. "Yeah, you're right. Wanna keep telling me more about Christmas?"
Eddie giggles and nods.
The way that his face lit up every time he talked about something that excited him, or how wide his smile would get when he talked and talked. Eddie was so cheery and Richie? He loved every second of it.
" Wow." was all that Richie could say. "You sure you're not secretly an elf from the north pole? you've got the height."
"Fuck off." Eddie exclaimed, hitting him on the chest. "Or a Who. You've got the right nose."
"Haha, go on. Make fun of me." He rolled his eyes. "Uh, that's what I'm doing." Richie scoffs.
"But seriously," Eddie says as they passed the school's parking lot. "Baking cookies with my dad? It's so much fun. Or decorating the tree, putting the star up? I missed out on all that with him. I know I'm not a kid anymore but sometimes, small things like this? They're like the memories I never had. and I love them, every single one."
They stopped in front of the school's front doors. "Or.. even Stan." Eddie whispered, with a small shy smile on his lips. "Like on Thanksgiving. He was so happy. Have you ever seen Stan that happy? You ever notice how sad he always looks? It always made me sad. But that day, it was great. I've never.. never seen him so.. alive before."
It was something nice to imagine. Richie wished he'd been there to see it.
"I feel bad for him sometimes." Eddie was saying. "He deserves to be happy, I just don't think he knows that. I wonder what it is—what makes him so.. glum. Has he always been like that? You know him better than I do."
Richie thinks back to the day he first met Stan. Small little kid. Odd hat on his little head. He sat on his chair, his legs stiff and his hands clasped together on his lap. When Richie had looked at him, he thought Stan would have cried.
"Yeah, seems like it." Eddie frowns. He looked sad, but not for himself, for Stan. "His birds; they make him happy."
"You're right, they do. At least that's something." Richie began to loosen his hand on Eddie's. Eddie felt it and he knew, it was time to let go. He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his hoodie, well, Richie's hoodie. "Hey?" Richie asked, balancing on his feet. "What?"
"What— what was that, back there?" Eddie looked at him puzzled. "In the café, why were you so scared?" Eddie breathed in, "You know I don't like big crowds—"
"The place wasn't even full, Eds. You weren't uncomfortable. It wasn't even a panic, you were scared. Like if you had seen a fuckin' murderer." Eddie shook his head. He was smiling but it was insincere. Something to console him. "Don't be an idiot, I just get, what's the word? Uh— self conscious, I think? I can't explain it." Richie knew Eddie wasn't going to say more so he didn't press any further.
If he had known the events that would unravel within a few days—weeks— god, he wished he would have asked more. Maybe it would have stopped those unfortunate events from unraveling.
