Before You Go [N.H]

Chapter Four: Everywhere - Park

'I missed you.' I whisper before I kiss her deeply.

'I missed you too.'

'Is that why you're upset?' I ask.

'No... Well, partly. But not mainly no.'

'Wanna talk about what's wrong?'

'Yeah.'

'Okay... What's wrong?' I ask but she doesn't answer. 'Can I take you somewhere? You might feel better. At least good enough to be able to talk about it.'

She just nods adorably but doesn't say anything else. So I hold both her hands and help her off the bed. I walk her to her closet and start going through it, picking a pair of black pants and a cosy and warm hoodie to wear. Just trying to get her to change moods a bit, I try to see how far she lets me go before saying anything.

'Really? I can do it myself!!' She laughs.

'Aww, I was hoping you'd need help with that!' I tease, pouting.

'Get out of here!' She orders while laughing.

So I do just that and wait outside the closed door of her bedroom. Eventually, she comes out fully dressed. I help her put on her coat, make sure it's well closed so she won't be cold. I fix her scarf and beanie too. She doesn't say anything. She wants to look annoyed but we both know that she's enjoying it.

I take her to my favourite park in the city, and for a while, we just walk around silently. I watch her pleasantly looking at the wintery nature around us. A cold wind blows for time to time, so she wraps her arms around my waist from the side, getting her body as close to mine as possible to stay warm, and I hold her protectively just as tightly.

'I just...' She starts but then stops.

'It's okay. Take your time. Find your words. We have all day.' I try encouraging her after she restarted the sentence a few times.

'I don't... know... I'm not... happy... I don't know how to be happy. I feel it sometimes, but it fades away quickly. I see people around me, I see my friends... Why am I not like that? Like, okay, they don't have it all figured out. They're not doing what they've always dreamed of. But they seem at least satisfied. They have nice flats, they can pay all their bills and buy themselves the things they want and not only need. They're happy. I'm pretty much the same. Except I don't feel as good as them. I hate working. I feel miserable when I get back home. I can't talk to people and socialize because I'm fucked up. I know that I'm a good person, I'm kind, caring, and yeah maybe I do love my friends and you. And it's not even about how I look, I don't mind that I'm not skinny, on the contrary, I prefer it. I just don't get how, even though I'm at peace with myself. I still manage to feel so pointless. My whole existence in this world doesn't add anything special. I'm no one. And I can't do anything to change that. Because anything I do end up falling apart. I feel like I don't have the right to be depressed. I don't have the right to feel any of that. And I should be happy. Because I have so much. But  I don't. I don't understand Niall. I don't get it! Why do I have to be like that? Why can't I just be happy? I just wanna be fucking happy.'

She starts crying by the end of her rant, so we stop walking and I hug her as tightly as possible. I don't say anything. I don't think I have anything to say that she hasn't heard already. Words aren't gonna fix this. But maybe actions will. I just need to figure out what to do. So the first thing I can think of, even if it's a temporary solution, maybe at least it will get her to stop crying. I know crying helps sometimes, but she hasn't stopped in the last few days so... With a tight grip, I hope my kiss can mend everything that is broken inside her.

She smiles at me, and I look into her eyes, looking back into mine, shining brightly. I love how she looks at me. Like I'm some amazing unicorn in front of her. She can't believe that I actually exist but she's glad that I do. I just hope I can make her feel as good. But for now, I take her to some secluded spot in the park. We sit down, back resting against the trunk of a big tree. I hold her close to me, letting her head rest on my shoulder. Finally, I start singing to her while playing with her hair. We stay like this for a while.

Hopefully, this seemed to have been therapeutic, because now since the park, she's taken me all around the city to her favourite spots, her favourite coffee shop, her favourite diner, her favourite hang out spot. The cheerful, full of life, amazing creature that I'm growing to know more and more is back. I'm really beginning to think that I meant what I said to her. Maybe I am falling in love with her.