I've Got It Bad (And You'll Never Know) (BXB)

xiii.

Jules threw up his hands, silencing the other boy. "Hold on. Stop. Woah. This is a date?"

Max smiled sheepishly. "Surprise?"

~~~

One confusing train ride later, the two boys sat in the common area of Julian's dorm, deep in discussion.

"—And it made me feel like a piece of shit for never realizin', seriously. I mean, Lenny thinks it's obvious, but I never— God, I felt stupid. And like an asshole. My best friend, pinin' over my stupid ass while I chase straight boys, and I didn't have a clue. And I didn't know what to do. I mean, that's why I ran off on Saturday morning. I didn't know how to act. I said I'd call 'cuz I thought I'd get it together, but shit, man, I couldn't. I just went back to my dorm and fuckin'— paced around like a lunatic, tryin' to decide what to say to you."

"How to let me down easy?" Julian suggested.

Max blushed furiously. "At first? Honest? Kinda. But also, I thought, I don't have to say anything, he doesn't know I heard nothin', we can just exist. But after I knew, I just couldn't— I couldn't be normal around you. I felt all nervous, and flighty, and I couldn't look you in the eyes without feelin' weird, like— God. It was insane, dude. And I realized, like, I think— I think you feelin' me made me catch that shit for you."

Julian scoffed. "No fuckin' way."

"Listen! I started thinkin'. And I realized, like, I think the reason I chase all these big tough sports type dudes? I think that deep down, like, I'm no psych major, but I think I just wanna be taken care of. You feel me? And I think my brain associates beefy meatheads with safety. Which is dumb as shit, obviously, since we both know from recent events that all athletes do is commit hatecrimes and be dipshits. The person I'm really safe with— I mean—" The blush had returned in full force— "it's you, man. It's always you."

Julian stood up from the couch, crossing to the kitchenette he shared with his three suitemates. "This is insane. I mean, like, this isn't happening."

Max turned. "It is. Seriously. I've been marinatin' on it all week, man, and I'm— I think I'm kinda obsessed with you now."

It was Julian's turn to blush. "Shit."

"Dead serious. I mean, like, I trolled your instagram like a fuckin' freak just to look at your freckles. Your freckles, man."

Julian put his hands on his face. "I do all kinds of shit to make you smile just so I can see your dimple." He admitted it as if it were murder.

Though he couldn't see, he felt the warmth of Max's approach, of a body inches from his. "That makes me wanna kiss you again."

Julian uncovered his eyes. Max was so close. Fluffy caramel hair. Warm brown eyes. Neck scar. He nearly fell into it. Instead, he jumped away, turning towards the counter, exclaiming, "Jesus Christ!"

"What! What did I do?" Max sounded worried.

"This is— I mean— we can't do this, right? You're my best friend. I don't wanna fuck that up. I mean, who would wanna fuck with that?"

"I do."

Jules turned slowly. Max's eyes were on fire. "I wanna fuck it up. I wanna destroy it. I think I already have. I mean, how can we go back to bein' platonic friends after this? Why would we want to?" He grinned like a devil.

Julian tried to remain measured. "But, I mean— Max. Look at me. Is this really want you want?"

Max took a step even closer. Their noses were touching. They were sharing air. "I look at you every day. I've seen you look like shit. I've seen you look hot as all fuck. And I want all of it, Julian. I'm dead serious. You're hilarious, you're a genius, you put up with my bullshit, and you're the kindest person I've ever known in my life. And I want to be with you. You'll always be my best friend. I just think that maybe also we could have bomb ass sex. And like, God, have I said enough how amazing you are? How special you are to me?"

Julian felt oddly like crying. "Yeah. Um. You covered that."

"Not enough." Max said, shaking his head. "I'm gonna tell you every day. Forever. Fuckin' forever. And you know I'm a stubborn piece of shit."

And then they were mashing lips, neither sure who initiated it. It was more heated than the first (conscious) kiss, more urgent, like they had a time limit. It was hot. It was light. Full of wonder. They smiled against each other, letting happiness and heat and light and love wash over all at once, a tsunami of tenderness. Julian grabbed Max's ass.

Max yelped. "Did you just grab my ass?"

Julian laughed, pulling his hand away. "Sorry. I've wanted to for like, a year."

Max caught Julian's wrist. "I didn't say to stop, jackass."

Julian smiled against Max's lips, returning to the loveliest kiss he'd ever had. And he felt deeply, beautifully safe.

~~~

Across town, Lenny McCleod did his third shot of Smirnoff with a nice girl named Katie. She giggled sweetly at a shitty joke he'd just told, wrapping her arm around his. But he suddenly looked away from her with a confused expression.

"What is it?" Katie inquired sweetly, her doe eyes wide.

"Nothin'." Lenny assured her. "I just got the urge to give my friend Julian a high five." He shook his head. "Or like, clap him heartily on the back? Not sure what's up with that. Weird." He turned back to Katie with a smile. "Another shot?

~~~

author's note: WE'RE DONE!!! confetti emoji!!!!! woooooo yeahhh!!! i hope u all loved this ending as much as i loved writing it <3 please comment to let me know :^)!! this is my first time finishing a work on Wattpad, and i'd like to thank everybody who stuck with me. here's to many more gay books to come! <3