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Therapist Lady: So, how often do you think of Johnny Depp?
Me: What do you mean?
Therapist Lady: I mean do you find yourself giving a lot of thought to him throughout your daily life?
Me: Yeah, I understand your question... But what do you mean?
Therapist Lady: Okay, so here's my diagnosis: You are way too obsessed with this actor. To a point where it's getting unhealthy. My suggestion is--
Me: I didn't ask for your suggestion! Actually it's more like, I don't want your suggestion. I also don't expect you to know anything about actual, true, mind-blowing love. Wait, are you married?
Therapist Lady: I'm actually divorced.
Me: Hmm. Well, there's my real problem! I need a therapist who's less bitter!
Five Minutes Later
Therapist: *Sobs* It's just... h-he had gotten so difficult over the years! I just couldn't take it anymore! I ask him to do the simplest of tasks around the house when I was putting in extra time at the office and he couldn't even do that! Oh God! *Sobs*
Me: *Hands her a box of tissues*
Therapist: Thank you... I mean, is it so wrong for me to have a relationship and a successful career in psychology? Is that why my marriage failed? Because I focused on my needs? Because I was wearing the pants in the relationship too often?
Me: *Wearing glasses and writing on a notepad* Not at all, Doctor. You're a strong, goal-oriented woman. It's clear you've been that way for a while now. It's a part of your personality. If your ex-husband fails to acknowledge a strong and capable woman like yourself in this day and age, then that's his misfortune. My advice to you, is to go out with friends and mingle. You're not alone and you're still in your prime. You can find another decent man, one who will acknowledge and praise you for what you give back to the world.
Therapist: Thank you, Miss Fantasylass.
Me: *Walks out of office* See you at next month's session! 😘🌹💋❤
