Grease Monkey | shawnmendes

fifteen

I opened my eyes and looked around my messy apartment. I'd passed out the night before on the couch with a tub of ice cream, a pizza, and a bottle of wine. Netflix was on the TV screen and my cell phone had a few missed calls from Stacey. I sat up in the mess of food that was lying around me and glanced at the clock on the wall. 2:15. Fabulous. One more day wasted.

It'd been five days since my run in with Shawn. After he left, I abruptly told Kyle I never wanted to see him again before locking myself in my apartment. And then I'd spent five days moping around, wishing I'd had the courage to finally grab onto something I'd actually wanted and hold on tight. But I hadn't and it left me bloated and sad. I got up off the couch and headed towards the toilet to relieve my screaming bladder. I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror. Pizza and drool outlined my mouth. Eyeliner smudged down my face. My messy bun was so messy that it was barely a bun and my t-shirt had a big splotch of chocolate ice cream right on the front where I'd missed my mouth. I was more than a hot mess, I was a train wreck. I peed and found myself back on the couch. I flipped on the TV, looking for a distraction.

As I flipped the channels, my mind wandered back to the place it liked to stay since Shawn came to New York. He cared about me enough to drive here in the night on a motorcycle. He wanted to tell me that he really did care for me. Kyle barely ever picked me up for dinner - I couldn't imagine him driving long hours on a motorcycle for me. Frick. Why didn't I tell Shawn how I feel too? That I really care for him. A lot. A hell of a lot. Shit. I'm an idiot. The biggest idiot. Ugh Shawn's too good for me. He even agreed. What do I do?

Boy Meets World was on so I stopped flipping. It was the episode where Cory told his mom about his love for Topanga. I'd seen the episode millions of times, but this time I realized what Cory was saying and my heart almost stopped dead in my chest.

"All I understood was that she was the girl I sat up every night thinking about, and when I'm with her, I feel happy to be alive. Like I can do anything. Even talking to you like this. So that's what I think is love, mom. When I'm better because she's here." Cory spoke confidently, sending the walls I'd built up crashing down.

Cory Matthews is right. Love isn't about who "completes" you, like the way I thought Kyle did, it's about who makes you a better person. When I'm with Kyle or think about him, I sink to his level and become a worse version of myself. I hurt people. When I'm with Shawn, I'm happy and I feel like I can accomplish anything. I actually give people a chance, like my parents. Shawn makes me happy to be alive. Being with him is my favorite thing. I-I love Shawn. Shit. I LOVE SHAWN!

My mind raced and I sprung off the couch. I had to find Shawn and tell him. Wherever he was, I wanted to be there beside him, soaking up every part of his being. I searched for my purse and headed for the door, but suddenly remembered my current state with pizza for lipstick and chocolate stains for accessories. I threw my purse down and bolted for the shower.

++

"How are you going to tell him?" Stacey's words made my brain freeze.

"I didn't think that far, dammit." I cursed, panicking.

"It's not that hard, I was just wondering if you had some extravagant speech planned." She laughed at my frantic state.

"He deserves a elegant speech after all I put him through, doesn't he?" I sighed, paying the cashier. I'd made a pit stop at a local mart near my apartment for a candy bar to calm my nerves during the drive back to Arkansas.

"Well you have plenty of time to come up with one on your drive." Stacey assured me, but as I rounded the block to get to my car, I froze in my tracks. I turned abruptly and whispered into the phone.

"Um, no I don't. He's here."

"Where?!" She demanded.

"Leaning up against the wall outside of a clothing store, smoking a cigarette. Like he's waiting for someone." I barely breathed as I stood out of sight, shaking.

"Are you sure it's him? Shouldn't he be back in Arkansas?" Stacey questioned.

"Trust me, I know Shawn when I see him. He has family here. That's all I know. I'll call you back." I hung up the phone, hands shaking. I took a deep breath and pulled myself together. I waltzed around the corner, heading straight for him.

He was looking away from me, so he wasn't expecting it when I leaned against the wall next to him and slipped the cigarette from his hand. He jumped and looked at me. I held in a giggle as I took a drag of his cigarette. Shawn quickly realized it was me and his face hardened.

"What do you want? Kyle break up with you again?" He sneered, turning away from me. I thought he was walking away, but he paused when he heard me speak.

"I deserved that. More, actually." I paused, giddy that he'd stayed long enough to hear me out. I knew that didn't mean that he'd forgive me or care about what I said next, but at least he'd hear it.

"I've been so stubborn since the day we met. I shut you out, or tried to at least. But I couldn't. You stole my thoughts and consumed my mind. It scared me and I never wanted to face it, but I made a revelation today, Shawn. I love you."

His back stiffened and I thought he was going to run, but he didn't so I continued.

"I'm not fighting it anymore. I'm not running from it. I'm accepting it and whatever happens from here on out happens. I love you."

I took a deep breath, waiting for some kind of response. He didn't turn to face me, but after a long pause, he spoke.

"Do you remember when you were helping me with imaginary numbers?" He asked.

"Yeah, why?" I stuttered. I had no idea what he was talking about but fear struck my heart. Relating us to something imaginary didn't sound good.

"You told me that we call those numbers imaginary because we need them, but we don't fully understand them. You said that without them, the mathematical system would be incomplete - it wouldn't work properly." He paused again and I thought I'd die at the suspense.

"Yes, that's true." I encouraged him to continue. He turned to face me, and he was much closer to me than I realized. My stomach fluttered, excited for our close proximity, yet sick over what his next words would be.

"I fought my feelings for you too. But that day that you explained imaginary numbers, you explained us." He paused again, his eyes searching mine. "I need you, but I don't fully understand you or why I need you. All I know is that without you, I don't and can't work properly. But the thing is, you're not imaginary and the way I feel isn't imaginary."

He slowly inched his face towards mine. Our lips connected and I was pretty sure fireworks were exploding in the middle of the day in downtown New York. But they weren't, it was just my heart and emotions and excitement. I couldn't contain it. I looped my arms around his neck and kissed him like I'd never get another chance. I smiled as our lips disconnected, realizing what was happening.

"I love you too, Kenna." He whispered, still inches from my face. He quickly slipped the still-burning cigarette from my hands, twirled and stuck it in his lips. I giggled, playfully smacking his arm. After a long drag, he threw the cigarette in the disposal and held his hand out. I intertwined my fingers with his, looking at him curiously.

"C'mon. There's some people I'd like you to meet." He pushed the door open to the store we were standing outside of and followed me inside.