can i be close to you ~ boreo

part two

i woke up to the sunlight beaming down on me through my window. or maybe boris woke me up.

either way, when i woke up i heard some quiet activity going on in my room. i tiredly lofted my head up and looked around.

boris was doing something, i wasn't sure what though.

"boris?" i asked him. startled, he turned back and looked at me.

"oh! p-potter! hey! ehm, i didn't mean to wake you, so sorry, but i have to.. go"

"go?" i restated, suddenly wide awake.

"no no, not like that. i will see you at school, yes? but i got a call from kotku. i must be with her for some time, am not sure how long but i will visit next week!"

honestly, i didn't know how to reply. i didn't know if he meant stay with me when he said visit, or just come by for a little bit.

i was sad. more sad than i should've been. especially because me and boris spent so much time together, but kotku was taking him away from me, and boris didn't realize how much it hurt me. but i couldn't tell him.

"oh, okay then. have fun i guess, i'll be here if you need me..." i wasn't sure if that's what i should've said but that's all i could say.

i didn't want to sound too bummed out by this but i was, and it was hard to hide it, but boris didn't notice.

"thank you, see you later. again, i'm sorry for—what's the word— speeding— out so quickly. but see you tomorrow!" and with that, he left.

i didn't know how to feel. well, i guess i did. i was sad. was it okay to be sad?

nothing was ever like it use to be. i didn't like kotku at all, especially because now it was rare when boris stayed at my house.

why do i feel this way, i don't know. obviously i was jealous, but nobody needed to know that. i couldn't be happy for boris, because i wanted to be happy with boris.

i didn't realize i was crying until i felt a tear trickle now my cheek. i wiped it off my cheek, but more just kept coming. i decided to accept the fact that i was crying, and it felt like i was about to have a breakdown.

i didn't want to cry over this, let alone be sad over it. i couldn't help it though, i liked boris in a different way. he obviously didn't see me more than a friend, even if he did we couldn't be together. the thought of being called a faggot scared me.

"i forgot my... potter?" it was boris. i looked up and immediately wiped the tears from my eyes. i felt embarrassed.

boris came over and sat down on the bed next to me.

"what's wrong?" he asked me. i tried to stop crying now that he was here but i couldn't. the tears kept coming.

"it's nothing, boris. don't worry about me..." i sniffled. i turned away.

"don't lie to me, potter, what's going on?"

"i said it's nothing boris! don't worry about me, just go to kotkus-" i went to stand up but i felt something touch my hand. i turned back around.

boris grabbed my hand. we locked eyes for a few seconds. my face began to feel hot.

"kotku does not matter. if you're sad then i'll stay so i can.. comfort you. that's what friends are for, yes?"

friends. a word that meant so much but so little at the same time.

"thanks boris, i appreciate you but i'm fine." i took my hand away from his grip. i started to walk towards my door.

"potter!" boris yelled. i didn't turn back, but i heard boris roll off of my bed. before i reached the door boris jumped in front of me.

"please don't leave. i want to help! tell me what's wrong, i beg of you potter." the sound of genuine concern coming the tone in his voice made me even more sad.

popchyk was joining in, with nervous whines and scratching at the door.

"how many times do i have to fucking tell you? it's nothing! why don't you just fucking leave already?!" i immediately regretted saying what i said.

boris' expression went from worry, to sadness. it broke my heart and i hated myself for it.

he didn't even say anything, he just opened the door and started to leave.

"boris, wait!" i called, going after him.

"no, you're right. i should leave. you want me too and you said nothing is wrong. so nothing is wrong. i'll be going to kotkus now"

he didn't give me time to respond, but either way even if he did i wouldn't have known what to say. not in that moment at least, because now, i know what i could've said. but there i went, fucking up my friendship with boris.