Monasterio Series #2: After All

Kabanata 27

Kabanata 27

Eyes are the windows to the soul, they say. Hindi ako naniniwala sa kasabihang iyon. Para sa akin ay imposibleng makita ang saloobin ng isang tao sa pamamagitan ng mga mata. Pero ngayong si Daniel na mismo ang nagsasabi, pakiramdam ko ay wala na akong dahilan o rason para hindi maniwala.

Are my eyes too expressive? Masiyado ba akong ibinibisto ng mga mata ko na mahal ko pa rin siya? Totoo. Mahal ko pa siya. Mahal na mahal ko pa rin siya hanggang ngayon pero hindi niya na kailangan malaman pa. Telling him that I am still in love with him won't do anything good to us. It's futile.

Kapag sinabi kong mahal ko pa siya, aasa lang siya na puwede pa kami, na may pag asa pang magkabalikan kami kahit pa wala na. Hindi ko puwedeng biguin ang mga magulang ko. I agreed to that marriage for convenience thinking that there's no more chance for us to get back together.

Though Christian is cool in calling the wedding off, I won't still do it. Ayoko silang biguin. What Daniel and I have was done a long time ago. Wala ng ibabalik pa. Tapos na tapos na.

Kahit ayaw ko pa.

Huminga ako ng malalim, pinilit patapangin ang sarili at tuwid na naupo. Tinitigan ko siya. He's looking at me, his eyes bloodshot and almost glassy.

"Five years, Daniel. We're done five years ago. What made you think that I am still in love with you? Matagal na akong w-walang nararamdaman para sa'yo-"

"Don't you dare fucking lie to me, Cheska. I know you-"

"What do you know about me, huh? Ilang buwan lang tayong naging magkarelasyon noon. Hindi sapat iyon para makilala mo ako." pagmamatigas ko kahit pa halos gusto nang pumiyok ng boses ko.

Sarkastisko siyang ngumisi, inalis ang titig sa akin at ibinaling ito sa kung saan. It's only a couple of seconds when he anchored his eyes on me with a mocking smirk still etched on his moistened lips.

"That's it? You'll just gonna throw every thing away just like that? You've already learned the truth years ago, Cheska. You're already aware that I didn't do anything to ruin our relationship and yet, you still chose to run away and didn't even come back. But fine! I can accept that. Iyon ka, e. Hindi mo ugaling maghabol. Your pride is too much but that's alright because I decided to love everything about you ever since I met you. Pero Cheska naman!" sigaw niya at hinampas ang manibela. Halos mapaigtad ako sa lakas no'n ngunit mas pinili kong magmukhang walang pakielam. "Heto na ulit tayo, oh. Alam mo na ang totoo. Baka naman puwedeng ayusin natin ito?" From being authoritative, his voice went soft and calm, almost begging. He leaned closer to me and took my hand, his eyes holding different emotions, mostly frustration. "Please, baby. Let's go back to what we were before."

Tears fell down my eyes as those words played in my head for heaven knows how many times. It's been weeks since we had that conversation but his voice keeps on ringing in my ears. Hindi ko alam kung bakit at anong karapatan kong masaktan ng ganito dahil umpisa pa lang naman ay desisyon ko na ang tapusin ang lahat sa amin. I broke up with him before, didn't even let him explain. Nalaman ko ang totoo pero wala akong ginawa para magkaayos kami.

Tama siya, tama si Calix, ako dapat ang gumawa ng paraan para magkaayos kami pero heto at wala pa rin akong ginagawa. Nagkausap kami ni Daniel. Sinabi niyang mahal niya pa rin ako, pero heto at naduduwag pa rin ako. Wala pa rin akong gagawin dahil lang sa kagustuhan na huwag mabigo ang mga magulang ko. I am sacrificing my happiness for them.

Tatlong magkakasunod na katok mula sa labas ng pintuan ang narinig ko dahilan para umahon ako mula sa dagat ng pagiisip. Hindi pa man ako nakakasagot ay bumukas na iyon at iniluwa si Christian. A soft smile blossomed in my lips.