Love and Pride

her şey bitti

Her smile faltered at my continued silence.

"Can we talk?"

I threw some money on the table and walked away without a word. She followed me in puzzled silence. I led her outside into a small courtyard. I looked at her precious face trying to find any sign of the duplicity she was supposedly capable of. She moved closer, slipped one hand around the back of my neck and kissed me. Despite my pain and confusion, I responded helplessly when her tongue stroked softly over mine. Her breath vibrated against my lips when she pulled away but then she started speaking and the world stopped turning.

"I have struggled against my feelings for so long and I can't do it anymore. I've fought against my better judgment, my family's expectations, and my ambitions. But I'm willing to put all these things aside because..."

"I don't think I want to hear this," I interrupted grimly and pulled away from her. There would be no coming back from this.

"I love you. "

I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth against the mix of pain and elation. I had to collect my courage before I slowly turned to face her.

She was wringing her hands nervously. Her beautiful eyes watching me a combination of fear and hope swimming in their depths.

"I love you. So much," she said fervently. "But we'd have to keep our relationship a secret. It would be disastrous if anyone found out about us. Oh God, I'm making a mess out of this, "she took a deep breath and lifted her chin, "I wondered if you might consider... I mean if you... Will you marry me?" She finished short of breath.

"What makes you think I want to marry you?" I folded my arms across my chest and watched her dispassionately.

She blinked slowly, "I assumed..."

"Right now you're the last woman in the world I'd ever consider marrying," I said while my heart thrashed against my ribs in protest.

For a moment she looked as if she might pass out. I took a step towards her but she quickly regained her composure.

"You're rejecting me?" She said in a small voice. "May I ask why?"

"You just told me you love me against your better judgment. That you're so ashamed of your feelings for me that you have to keep me hidden like a dirty secret."

"No! It's not like that at all. You know that my mother..."

"Yes, I know all about how your mother controls your every action and you let her," I said harshly.

"You know what the worst part about this is?" I continued unable to stop the bitter stream of words, "I would have said yes. I would have taken all the crumbs you threw my way. I would have allowed myself to be kept like your secret shame. I would have let you trample my pride into the ground every day gladly," I glanced away, after admitting my weakness, unable to look at her face anymore without breaking. "But when I think of my brother's broken heart, I know that there are some things I can't forgive. "

Her expression was equal parts shock and guilt. It told me everything I needed to know.
But then she drew herself up and somehow managed to look down her nose at me. This was the woman I first met at the party. Cold, hard and arrogant. Her eyes shone and her lips firmed. I knew her so well now. I knew her cold formality was a mask she pulled on to hide her vulnerability. But that knowledge didn't alleviate my pain. I was wounded and crazed with heartbreak.

"I'm not responsible for your brother's emotional state," she said flatly and without any sentiment.

I gazed at her in disbelief. "What about your sister's emotional state? Don't deny that you separated them for no other reason than the fact that any relationship between them would have screwed with your ambitions."

"She was falling in love and he seemed to be unaffected by her feelings. I separated them to save my sister the pain of a broken heart."

"So you decided you would break it instead?" I said disbelievingly.

We were standing face to face now. The odd magnetic pull between us as unconscious and as strong as ever. I clenched my hands again to keep from reaching for her.

"Watch out, princess," I said softly, "You're in danger of turning into your mother."

She jolted as if I had slapped her.

"I'm nothing like my mother," she said in a low strangled voice.

"Really? Manipulating other people's lives so you can get your way? Sound familiar? I refused to believe Aylin when she told me how you schemed to get her fired so you could get her position. I thought my Sanem incapable of lying and hurting others for her own benefit. Now I think I see the truth in it. Admit it, you wanted something so bad you sold out your own sister for it."

Her eyes filled with tears but she blinked them away and anger quickly took over again.

"Aylin? You seem to take a lot of interest in the affairs of a woman you supposedly care nothing about," she shot back.
"So this is what you think of me? Thank you for explaining it so fully. My faults according to you are many but maybe it's your pride that's been hurt by my honesty. I said nothing that was untrue. My position in life is such that a marriage between us would be seen by some as diminishing. Should I congratulate myself on gaining a drunken father in law that has made no secret of his desire to get his hands on our money? Would you have preferred that I kept my apprehensions to myself and lied to flatter you instead?"

My anger and heartbreak combined to create a maelstrom of pain and humiliation. She was stomping my heart into the ground and I still had to fight the impulse to drop to my knees and beg her forgiveness. My weakness made me livid and my next words came out sharper than I intended.

"Thank you for sparing me any concern about having turned down your romantic marriage proposal. I'm a nobody according to your messed up world view, not good enough for the high and mighty Sanem Aydin. Oh, but I'm good for one thing evidently, "I moved closer and said deliberately, "what you're feeling is not love, princess. That's just good old fashioned lust. But unfortunately for you, I'm the one thing your money can't buy. " Her breath swooshed out of her and her entire body seemed to shrink in front of me.

My head lowered to hers of its own volition. Her lips parted and our breaths mingled. My heart was broken, my pride was in tatters and I still couldn't break this unholy spell.

"You have said quite enough," she whispered unsteadily, "I understand your feelings now and I'm now only ashamed of what my own have been." She moved back a step. "Forgive me for taking up your time."

"Wait!" I said.

I took a folded scrap of pink fabric out of my shirt pocket. It had been tied to my wrist or folded next to my heart even before I knew it had been her that night on the balcony. I put it in her hand and she looked up at me in shock.

"This belongs to you. I don't want it anymore."