Road to Jannah

Bonus Chapter • Everglow

I want to get up and shake him back to his senses, I want to get up and tell him that he shouldn't let me break him, that I wasn't worth it and most especially, I wanted to get up so I can finally say yes.

I want to finish up where we had left and tell him that yes, I want to marry him. I am no longer afraid of the future, that I'm ready to share my pain with him. That I no longer doubt his promise to brave through every situation with me. That his love and patience have won me over and I'm now ready to allow myself the happiness he was always willing to give me. I want to get up and do all those things but my body isn't obeying my orders and I know I'll have to leave without telling Yasin any of that, I had to leave with the regret of not having enough time to tell him any of that.

I'm still caged and trapped in a darkness where the only thing I can hear are the voices of my parents, Maimuna and now even my little baby brother Lukman, crying and calling out my name. I want to answer them but I cannot, I want to smile and tell them that I'm okay but I cannot.

I can only feel myself slipping away slowly, lightly, gently and I am grateful that they're all here with me. I still miss Jannah, I wish she was here too but another part of me reminds me that if she was here too, she would have joined along with them in crying and I didn't want that. I had seen enough of her tears these past few days and it hurt me to know I was the cause of them. I would leave her with my love and find comfort in hers that she has left behind for me when she had come into this room just moments ago.

They confuse me with all the shakes they're giving me and all the screams of my name I hear being shouted. Didn't they already know that I was going to be leaving? Didn't they already know that it was my time? But then, as Daddy's words begin to clear and amplify above the others cries, I realize that he knows and he's accepted since he was nudging me to say my shahada.

His voice was broken up but I could hear him repeating those sacred words into my ear and I didn't know from where I got the strength to actually produce them with my own lips, but I felt my burden lightened, I felt a comforting embrace when I uttered those words.

"La... La'ila ha Illallahu Muhammadur Rasulullah, La'ila ha Illallah Muhammadur Rasulullah Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam..." I kept repeating them in a chorus with my father till that strength waned out and I found myself in the darkness again. Only being able to hear but not speak myself.

I had known since I lost myself to the convulsions that attacked me on that balcony. Staring up at the moon as my whole body shook uncontrollably, I knew it was going to be the last time I'd gaze up at it's magnificent beauty. I had felt the sands of time slipping from my grasp the moment the doctors crowded around and I was placed under a light that sent me to another dimension.

When my parents entered into the room, I had known that these moments were speared for me just so that I could see them and talk to them for the last time. When Jannah had entered along with Yasin, I had known that the words I was speaking were my last and when Yasin kneeled besides my bed and stared into my eyes, I knew that I was going to be seeing those deep and dark orbs that had filled my existence with hope for the final time.

I had known everything yet I had smiled to them and wanted to leave with Joy not sadness so why were they wasting such precious moments in tears when they could have just let me hear their laughter for one last time.

I know I cannot stay but now, I wish I can just stretch this moment a little longer. I want to continue feeling the comfort of my mother holding my hand in hers, I want to continue feeling the safety of my father's gaze, I want to continue feeling Maimuna's adoration for me, I wanted to continue basking in the love that Yasin was sending me but I know, I can't and I won't.