The Flame (Avengers Fanfiction)

80-How to disappear

"Oh, I am in trouble, aren't I? Mommy's in deep shit." I joke awkwardly, studying my son's face as he drinks from the bottle. He just blinks at me, not retaining the information in the slightest. I sigh and look away, my eyes landing on a framed picture of Steve, Tony, and I. Tony and I were making funny faces behind Steve, like the immature children we were. Besides that picture frame is a picture of Natasha from when we were on the run. She's flipping off the camera, arm wrapped around my shoulders as I flip off the camera too. Big, stupid smiles on our faces.

"I could really use you three right about now, you know. Let's be honest here, I really really need you guys. I can't do this shit by myself." I confess as I rock Neddy and I back and forth. The emotion I've been trying to bury down deep seeps through every little crack, making tears brim in my eyes.

"All three of you guys left me alone. Not one of you assholes stayed here with me. How-How the fuck am I to do any of this fucking bullshit they want me to? Half of the world thinks I'm going to fill Tony's shoes and the other half says I'm surely going to fill Steve's. I-I am doing everything you three were supposed to do and I can't do it anymore. And I'm-I'm supposed to be dealing with my own fucking crisis right now, okay? I can't be dealing with all of this shit." I rant, hot tears rolling down my cheeks. I don't wipe them away, I just let them fall. There's been a darkness inside of me for a long time. The last time I let it take over completely, my brother and Steve found me in a bathtub. Steve had pushed that darkness back into its box. Sure, it came out slightly when I lost my baby with Steve, but I had been holding it at bay. Since Natasha died, it had been creeping out of its little box. I hadn't fully let it win, but everything that's been happening-all this death, my sister wanting to kill me-it's all too much. It doesn't help that the whispers-both from my mind and the sword-keep making me do horrible things. You've never been innocent.

"You didn't give your kingdom to Peter, guys. I'm not good, not at all. I've hurt too many people, killed too many-I-I put Barnes to shame, Stevie. I'm fucking tainted. I hate it. And I'm fucking stuck here because you guys all left me. I need someone here, damn it. I just need someone." I sob, holding my baby close as that damn darkness inches closer and closer.

-

Bucky opens his eyes and sees two people standing in front of them. One of them, he's seen before-the other man that was on the bridge with Steve. The other one is a woman. She's wearing a gray shirt, blue jeans, and black boots that go up to her knees. She looks pissed, arms crossed over her chest, but she definitely looks pretty. God, they make dames differently these days. He didn't know it then, but now he knows that the woman was Peyton Stark, soon to be Peyton Stark-Rogers.

"You've seen her before, haven't you Sergeant Barnes?" An unfamiliar woman's voice purrs to him. The two people in front of him can't hear the voice, they just keep their eyes on him. Bucky blinks his eyes and suddenly he is in a different location. He's sitting across from the woman in a loud, packed club as another woman-an agent-handles her a plastic baggie of white powder. She's barely wearing any clothes, just a tight and revealing bright red dress.

"It's the best shit out there." The agent says cheerfully, leaning forward as Bucky sits there. The blonde woman grins and slides over a couple of hundred dollar bills before getting up. She cheers as another woman embraces her, both of them swaying away.

"She was supposed to be in that car with her parents. You were supposed to kill her then, but then her brother came home from college. You couldn't get her then and HYDRA waited around for a while until they learned she was rising through the ranks of SHIELD. That's when you and this other lovely Nazi gave her laced cocaine. You were supposed to kill her." That haunting voice tells him as the room shifts again. He's standing in the bathroom with the other agent, standing over that blonde as she seizes on the ground. She's covered in her own vomit and there's white powder under her nose. Peyton's overdosing, it was extremely clear.