Heart's Desire

Chapter Seventeen

Damian

I stared at the sheets of work blankly, a void of nothingness filling me. Was this really my life? Was this everything? Did I have nothing more to do with my life? Nothing more to achieve? Was it just going to be owning the company, fucking Adrianna and undermining my problems? I laughed at the pathetic-ness of my whole entire life. Sure, I had money, I have every fucking thing and you would think I would be happy wouldn't you? But, I wasn't and perhaps that was the first time I was admitting it to myself and, perhaps I was drowning in all of this money and all of this work and I didn't know how to breathe nor did I know how to save myself because truly I was stupid. I couldn't work myself out and how my fucking mind decided to work.

My mind was a frenzy, it was sporadic and I had an overwhelming amount of thoughts that buzzed in my mind that wouldn't let me sleep and wouldn't let me breathe. They caught me by the feet and dragged me around my daily schedule, adding things to my own mental to-do list making my head ache and buzz and suddenly making me flee to something that would numb the pain.

I choked on my emotions, feeling that my eyes had glazed over and I knew I was on the way for an emotional breakdown. Alya had triggered something in me yesterday and she had cracked the already weak dam of emotions. Now, I was holding on by a thread and everything threatened to fall apart so quickly and so easily. I was threatening to slip and fall into that deep dark void of nothingness in the most simplest terms and the perplexing issue that was called my mind couldn't figure out what it wanted.

I frantically drummed my fingers and imagined myself playing Nocturne in C-sharp Minor no. 20, trying to calm myself down before I let my mind take over and completely lose control over my emotions and let myself slip once again. The drumming hadn't helped and I found myself eagerly reaching for my phone and pressing on my most recent contact.

"Hi Damian!" Her cheery voice managed to pull me through suffocation and I finally let out a breath that I didn't realise I was holding.

"H-hi." I stuttered, momentarily closing my eyes at my own stupid behaviour and feelings. I squeezed the pen in my hand that I had picked up, not wanting to make more scratch marks on the wooden desk.

"Are you okay Damian?" Adrianna's concerned voice had me taking in a deep breath.

"Fine." I managed to squeeze out. "Perfectly fine sweetheart."

"Damian what's wrong?" Her concern was even more evident than before. I leant back in my chair, squeezing my eyes shut, holding the phone to my ear as I contemplated if I should tell her my problems, 'spill my guts', tell her all of my secrets. Were we even friends for me to be telling her all of that private information? Why would I tell her? Why not tell her? She doesn't know you so she can't form an opinion on you. But, she could read the tabloids or even look me up to see what the latest scandal is. I thought sourly at the thought of Adrianna thinking of me as merely what the media reported. I was pretty sure she did much like everyone else. "Damian?"

I sighed deciding not to. I didn't know her and she didn't need to know me because that involved feelings and overstepping boundaries and I didn't want. I didn't want any of it. I didn't want any girl. "I'm fine Adrianna."

"Damian-"

"I'm just tired." Was an excuse I used quite frequently when trying to hide my emotions.

"No you're not. Stop lying to me you idiot."

"I'm not lying sweetheart. I'm sitting in front of a pile of sheets wondering why on earth I decided to take on the company."

"Because you love it, it is the pride and joy of your family. Your family legacy that has been presented to you to carry on because you have been deemed worthy Mr Lockwood!" I could imagine her smiling at her own comment like an absolute lunatic.