Road to Jannah

Chapter Seventeen • Soyayya

"No, no, no, please. No. I'm okay Mama, I'm fine. It was just a bad dream." those eyes flashed in the darkness once again and they made me take a large gulp from the glass of water.

"Its not just a dream, I know it. You need help Ahmadina. I thought that it was over when your father... when he died but clearly it's not, you're not okay."

"Is it still night?" I choose not to even acknowledge anything she had said. "What time is it?"

"It's time for you to help yourself Ahmadi, to save yourself."

That was indeed clever, I had wanted to ignore everything she said but she just steered it right back. In exasperation, I get up from bed and feel my cupboard for my watch. When I find it, I press a button that tells me it was 4:12 am; meaning it was still dark.

"I'm going to the bathroom. See you in the morning." I hope that she'll take that as her cue to leave and I saunter off, counting the ten steps to my left to the door of the bathroom.

I spend what is likely almost half an hour under the cold shower. It awakened me wholly from that drowsy eyed and confused state. With the light pounding of several lasers of cold water on my whole body distracting my mind from both the nightmare and what Mama has just said.

When I was out, I felt around in a drawer in my wardrobe where Mama told me that she'd kept the Qur'an Jannah had gifted me. Frankly, I didn't need to read it before I could recite it since I already know the whole of it by heart but still, I manage to open up to Surah Al-Fath (Chapter - The Victory). It was one of my favorites because of the meaning of it's first few verses but most especially it's fourth verse I now had the tips of my fingers over.

هُوَ الَّذِي أَنْزَلَ السَّكِينَةَ فِي قُلُوبِ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ لِيَزْدَادُوا إِيمَانًا مَعَ إِيمَانِهِمْ ۗ وَلِلَّهِ جُنُودُ السَّمَاوَاتِ وَالْأَرْضِ ۚ وَكَانَ اللَّهُ عَلِيمًا حَكِيمًا

It is He who sent down tranquillity into the hearts of the believers that they would increase in faith along with their [present] faith. And to Allah belong the soldiers of the heavens and the earth, and ever is Allah Knowing and Wise.

Through my darkest states of self hatred and depression, this Surah has been my companion and together with many others, my saviour. Everytime I read this fourth verse, that tranquility that is referred to is felt in my soul and just like it's title, I feel victorious over all the fears that claw away my sanity.

Though I've gotten better at reading in braille, it was still hard especially since now, the engraved characters I was feeling were Arabic transliterations. So for the rest of the surah, I stop attempting to read the braille and recite it by heart.

I read it a few times over and over again till I hear the call to prayer for Subhi and I get up to pray it. After I was done, I spent a few more minutes on the spot just revering in the peace the remembrance of the One and Only brings to a turmulous and chaotic soul like mine. Mama was wrong, I'm absolutely fine and if anything, this was what I needed not therapy or anything that would prove I was more mentally messed up than I thought.

I go back to my bed and before I lie down, I check my watch and it says 5:47 am. I was afraid of falling asleep lest those eyes find there way to my mind again so I spent the next several minutes just tossing and turning in bed. If I could see, I would have spent that time on the TV or on catching up on Game of Thrones on my laptop but sadly, all that now is a luxury I can't afford. All I can afford is this stagnant blackness before me and no matter how wide I open my eyes, it doesn't change.