cloak of carmine

neon gravestones

I haven't seen Tyler in at least two months. I'm so fucking worried about him. I know Nico's getting to him. I keep asking him to come out with me, have lunch with me, come watch the stars, whatever. Mostly I hear non-committal "Uh huh," and he goes back to his room. Doing nothing all day is bad for anybody, but for Tyler... He needs to be doing stuff all the time. He gets addicted to creating. I used to think it was unhealthy, I don't know, maybe it was. All I know is that I'd rather him be up at three in the morning scribbling song lyrics than lying in his bed all day, watching the minute hand steal into the next hour, another day dead.

And I know I worry about everything, but this isn't irrational, I'm sure of it. It's all-consuming. (Which I'm sure Reisdro would love, he's always rattling on about succumbing to fear and how it's the force that drives the Universe or whatever.)

He's my first thought, every morning. Not even in a romantic obsessive way. As in the check on Tyler to make sure he hasn't offed himself  kind of way. I don't know, it's just recently, he's been especially bad, I guess.

Well. Not really. It used to be a lot worse. He doesn't believe in Vialism anymore, (Or at least as much as he used to.) which is good, I guess. I like to take a bit of credit for that. Then again, once Tyler's decided something, it's very hard to get him to change his mind. He's stubborn like that. I have a feeling the doubts had been chipping away at him for a while.

He doesn't want to die as much anymore, which is also good. But I really can't tell anymore. He hasn't left his room in weeks. Maybe months.

I got the sudden urge to go see him. I practically never go, because he's in Nico's district, and while it's not like you're not allowed to... well, it's Nico, isn't it? Everyone's either too fucking terrified to go near him, or too smeared to know.

I leg it to his block, which is a bit weird. There's not really much reason to run in Dema. I have a sudden memory- I'm running through Trench. The air is cold and sweet on my face. Something to live for, huh.

His room is at the very top, which means flights and flights of stairs, but somehow my legs are faster than my brain, and I barely register the fatigue.

I bang on the door.

"Tyler! Tyler, please, I need to talk to you," 

Silence.

"Tyler, please—"

"Josh?"

He's standing at the end of the corridor, right at the top of the opposite staircase.

"What's wrong?"

I have to gasp for breath for a couple of seconds. My brain's catching up now, and I'm starting to realise that I don't really have anything to say at all. I just wanted to see him.

"I— Wait, where are you going?" I say.

He smiles, stupidly. Fuck, I've missed him. "Figured something out."

He starts going down casually, like he hasn't just said the most cryptic thing ever. He looks back, but I haven't moved.

"Come on, Josh," he says. He takes the stairs two at a time.

"Tyler?" I say, watching him from the top landing, "Are we just gonna pretend that I haven't seen you for months? What happened? I was...worried." It comes out all weak and quiet. He stops and looks back up at me, rubbing the back of his neck like he does when he's feeling guilty.

"Look, I- I'm sorry, Josh. I'm fine now, okay? I'll explain stuff later. I've just..." he wrings his hands, "I've gotta show you something."

When Tyler is doing something, he kind of gets tunnel vision, so I make sure to check for Bishops before every street crossing. I mean, it's not like we're doing anything wrong, (Not yet, anyway.) but you never know with the Bishops. 'Specially Reisdro. He loves to spring random shit on you at a moments notice. He says it helps us maintain "a cautious approach to the world," which really means that he takes great pleasure in constantly terrifying us.