If You Leave - Leonardo DiCaprio

1.4

After that night, Jim stayed over at the apartment, but on the couch. We didn't really talk anymore that night but I know it took us both a while to fall asleep because he kept moving around.

Everything was happening so quickly I couldn't fathom all that had happened. I got out of rehab hating Jim, I went to dinner with Neutron, who I thought was kind and good, I ran into Jim, found out Neutron was a dick, found out Jim wanted to be better and now he's in my house? What a ride.

I wish things had been different. I wish we never did any of the shit we did. I wish we didn't turn into a bunch of "junkie trash". I wish we had just done normal teenage things.

If you would've asked me what I'd wish for  a month ago, I would've wished I'd never met Jim Carroll.

But here I am, hoping Jim will change. And what are my chances of that? Guess I'll find out.

The next morning, Jim slept in, giving me the chance to call Kit.

"Hello?" Her voice rang on the other line.

"Hey it's Kate. I have so much to tell you." I whispered.

"Kate! Oh my goodness, why are you whispering? Did Neutron spend the night?" She asked excitedly.

"Actually no. Neutron stole my money, not Jim." I said. She gasped. "No way." She said. "Yeah, man, and get this. Jim is sleeping on my couch as we speak." I said into the mouthpiece.

"KATE!" She yelled through the phone. "I know, I know, but he wants to get better. Shouldn't I give that a chance?" I asked.

"I dunno Kate. I'm tempted to come there and see for myself. I don't want you to get hurt." She said contemplating.

"Well we'll be here. You got my address right? You wanna stay for a night?" I asked.

"That sounds like a plan and a half. I can't come tonight, Gran's gone for a couple weeks visiting her cousin in Michigan, so I'm house sitting, but I'll leave as soon as she gets back." She said. "Alright, girl, see you in a few weeks." I said and hung up the phone.

Over the next few weeks Jim was in and out of the apartment. He was trying to find jobs for a bit, then he found one at a pharmacy stocking shelves, and has been gone nights ever since. Our relationship is-well, getting there you could say. We were friends. More like new friends. I still wasn't sure whether I trusted him or not. And there lately I was.

He'd help with cleaning and rent. And did thoughtful things sometimes. He even bought me a new book.

One night, Jim headed out for work, told me bye as usual. My head had hurt all day, I'd tried all the home stuff but to no avail my headache remained.

It'd be kinda nice to see Jim at work. Maybe I'll see him. I slipped on my jacket, hat, and gloves then left. I walked down the street, passing a couple blocks, avoiding looking at the ally to the den as much as I could. No matter how hard i tried, I couldn't make my heart stop beating so hard.

I sped by quickly and ducked into the store, catching my breath. The old man behind the counter looked up from his work. "Can I help you, miss?" He asked in a small voice. I took a breath. "Yeah, what do you have for a headache?" I asked walking towards him.

"Well aspirin will do wonders when taken with a cola." He smiled as he placed the aspirin and grabbed a bottle of coke from the cooler. "Thanks, I appreciate it." He nodded and rang me up.

"That'll be seven dollars even." He requested. I handed him the money and he placed my things carefully in a bag. "Oh, and can you tell my friend Jim I said hi?" I asked.

"I sure will. Jim who?" He asked. I gave him a confused look. "Jim Carroll? Doesn't he work here?" I asked. My heartbeat started ringing in my ears. "No, it's just me and my brother." He smiled. "I'm sorry, I must be thinking of another store." I nodded. I took the bag and left.

Was he working at a different store? I looked at the sign. "Pritchett Brother's Pharmacy"

No, that was what he said. What if...? No, he wouldn't. He's trying to be better. But what are the chances?

I walked down the street and came to the ally again. I stood there for a moment. My heart was pounding so hard my hand shook and I could feel the pulsing in my neck. I took a step and then another and another. I walked into the building and then down the steps.

I passed by a bunch of people, some new, some id seen before. So far I hadn't seen Jim, so that's a good sign.

Then it hit me. The smell. The smell that made my heart rise, the smell that intoxicated me to no end. Some real good dope was cooked up and the scent was tickling my nose.

I sighed and covered my face with my shirt, hoping to keep some of it out. I walked a little further. Then I came to the couch, where Jim always sat. And lo and behold. There he was. He wasn't passed out or anything, just sat there lighting up a pipe. He breathed in real hard and exhaled. He sunk deeper in his seat as the smoke danced around him.

Then his eyes locked with mine. "Whoa whoa whoa Kate, I-I-i can explain," He started, he stood up slowly though his face was panicked.

"This is explanation enough." I said and ran out as fast as I could. "Kate please!" I heard him yell, glass broke so he must have dropped the pipe. That didn't slow me down, but I knew Jim had started running after me.

I ran to the apartment, slamming the door behind me and locked the chain. I tried to turn the deadbolt but the door sprung open 6 inches. "Kate! Kate please, it's not what you think!" He yelled. His arm swung wildly about the door and I jumped back.

"Jim, I'll call the cops!" I yelled. "Kate, please open the door and we can talk!" He said. I shook my head even though he couldn't see me. "I can't do that. Why did you lie?" I asked. "C'mon Kate open the door." He pushes the door over and over trying to bust through but the chain held on.

He started to cry. "Kate please, please listen to me!" He yelled. "Why did you lie?"  I asked. He was silent. "It's so hard." He whimpered. "Have you been at the den every night? Just getting high?" I asked.

Where was he getting all that money. "Oh my God Jim, have you been dealing again too?" I exclaimed. "You needed the money, Kate, I wanted to take care of you!" He said. "What the hell Jim?" I asked.

"I can't believe I trusted you again. What the hell is wrong with you? Get out of my house! Don't come back." I said. "Wait, please-!" I slammed the door shut and deadbolted it. He knocked like crazy. "Please, please listen to me. I'm sorry! Give me another chance, please!" He said.

I went to the bathroom and shut the door, trying to block out the noise. When he finally went silent, I came out. I walked to my bed and sat down wiping my face. I pulled the covers over my body and turned towards the window. I closed my eyes and heard the familiar thump of someone walking up the steps.

My eyes shot open and I locked the window. There he was. Just like old times. Jim was at my window, tapping the glass. I looked at him with tears in our eyes. He put his hand to the window. And I could just picture him there when we first met. Eyes shining as bright as the moon, smile glistening like the stars. I got that feeling that I had that night.

He was beautiful. Always beautiful. I pressed my hand to his. "I love you." He said. My eyes spilled over with tears and I pressed a shaky hand to my mouth. I shook my head and closed the curtains.

That was the last time I saw Jim Carroll.