how to play a lover

animal // troye sivan

they say the real test of a relationship is shared trauma right?

the fifteen minutes i spent comforting you on the mall bench amidst unconcerned strangers and the seven hours together we spent afterwards. not willing to be apart just yet.

we smoked in my car and since the first time since we had left that damn stage you were smiling and laughing and i thought i might die at the way my heart constricted. i just wanted to see you happy.

we laid on your bed as you pointed the things in your room out to me. explained the pieces of yourself. we sat in silence for awhile. neither of us wanting to be apart but not needing the space to be filled with anything other than each other.

we ate dinner with your family.

the next time we tried lemon juice and watched horror movies on your couch upstairs two shrinking feet apart until i realized my car windows were open on the pouring rain.

you laughed at me and we had dinner with your family. again.

you told them how wonderful i was while i was sitting right there. i didn't know what to do.

when you told me later that night that i was superhuman. that i should be proud of myself i almost screamed and threw myself out the second story window. no one had every said that to me and it made me hate everything i was. everything about how i worked. like i was wrong.

i was wrong. i still am. you know that.

the time after that we organized children's toys for hours, drinking chemicals in secret and talking about everything and nothing.

the way you handled the little doll was heart aching. sweet and careful like you never had been with me before. i watched you unfold before me. slowly. playing back your words in my head.

you couldn't hang out with your best friends for more than four hours or you got tired of them.

on our eighth consecutive hour together.

you looked to me and i just smiled.

i should've hit you or left but i didn't.

i melted. wrong move.

i got in trouble.

i drove you to school at six am. the others stared. in the front seat, we ignored their rear view glances.

untouchable until it all came crashing down. around me.

it all came down.