how to play a lover

for him // troye sivan ft allday

it was all windswept at first.

i don't remember the first moment, i'll admit, but you were magnetizing. i had asked around about you, i remember that. whispers in ears about the opposites in my body. the juxtaposition was tangible.

but you have to remember this... because it's the most important part...

you. let. me. in.

i don't know why.

i couldn't tell you.

but you chose me. you chose to let me in.

from there it was all dizzying.

your smile. the jokes we made. the games we played. the whispers we shared. the judgements passed. the people deconstructed and scoffed at in our hands. the loud laughter in the middle of rehearsal, disrupting the show, but we didn't care.

i didn't know what you were doing then. i don't know if you knew either. the way you were twisting me like i was something to be figured out. to be broken if played with too hard.

but you gave me your sweater as we sat backstage for hours. cold. waiting for the scene to finish fucking blocking. and you told me things in hushed whispers you hadn't told anyone else so what was i suppose to do?

as the days passed on the black stage, in the blinding snowy daylight, in the freezing backstages, or on the shitty red velvet auditorium chairs, i became entranced. entrapped.

in my car i took you places you wanted to go, asked you questions no one else had. in those moments i knew you best. better than anyone else. better than yourself. i think you got scared.

and i got bolder.

because if there's one thing you've learned about me, i think it's that i don't do things lightly. and this was heavier than i had ever thought when i asked about the beautiful, angry, sulky kid with the blue gem and the voice of an angel.

clip on me, i clip on you. it was inevitable. the metaphor. the foreshadow. claws and teeth, starting in a game, smirks across spaces and withheld laughter. top hats and puzzles and games and shoulder to shoulder and feet knocking feet and sneaking away.

bottoms up, alone in our dark corner of the dress room. they stared and we laughed. we just laughed.