Of Woes, Bows and Hoes (Vernon Dursley X Dolores Umbridge)

Wednesday Evening

The first time Vernon had met Dolores was not the last. 

No, in fact, it was the first meeting of many.

Of course, he had to make multiple excuses, so his wife Petunia wouldn't be alarmed.

During these 'meetings', Vernon would show Dolores pictures of his wonderful ickle Duddy-kins. She absolutely loved them.

She thought Dudley was such a fine boy, nothing like Harry.

Harry, he was another topic they spoke about during their frequent meetings, but they spoke of him in a very different way than they did Dudley.

They spoke about their experiences with how horrible and disobedient he was.

They spoke about how untidy his hair was.

They spoke about how abnormal he was. (Although, Vernon was talking about his magic, Dolores was not, for she herself was a witch)

Over a bottle or two (or three) of gin, they laughed about how Harry was an orphan and nobody wanted him.
(I'm sorry)

So, it was fair to say they enjoyed their little meetings, but Petunia was getting harder and harder to throw off the scent, which led Vernon to decide he needed a new tactic.

Which was what led him to approach his wife one Wednesday evening.

"Petunia, dear," he began. "Petunia dear, I have something to tell you," he continued.

"Ah, yes Vernon, as do I," she replied, taking a sip of her tea and a bite of her custard cream.

"Well," he began. "I'll go first,"

"Ok," Petunia easily agreed.

"I'm going to be staying at the office a little bit longer.." he said, waiting for the explosion. But, none came, instead she just drank some more of her tea.

And said...

"Right well," she said, unusually happy. "I want a divorce,"

"I- what?" Vernon replied, shocked. More shocked than he had ever been... In his ENTIRE life.

"I want a d-i-v-o-r-c-e," she repeated, emphasising each letter.

"Why?" he asked, having now sat down on an armchair, well, I say sat, I mean he squashed an armchair. He was still VERY shocked.

"I want a divorce because I'm marrying Severus," she said smacking her lips together, having now finished her tea and custard cream.

"The-- the.." he stuttered. "wizard?" He whispered the last part, features creasing with incredulity.

"Yes, the Wizard," she confirmed/clarified.

"Why?" came the blank, empty question.

"Because... I know about Dolores," she wrinkled her nose at the last word.

"Right then," he said/replied breathlessly.

"Who'll get Dudley?" He asked.

Author's Notes:

I am really, really sorry for putting poor Snape with Petunia, maybe she should get with Hagrid instead? Yes, that's much more fitting. P.S I'm sorry Hagrid.

Anyways, enjoy