Love for dying boys [Todobaku]

24 | Sleeping pills (end. 2)

From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry

I just want to say that I didn't describe the pain of dying in the chapter. I just didn't know how, so it's just like.... this.

-Todorokis POV-

"You okay, Shoto?" Katsuki hugs me from behind "Yeah, just feel a little bit down" "If you want to talk-" "I can talk to you, I know" he let go and turns me around "What's wrong, you act strange" "I just said that I feel down, no big deal, really" he frowns.

I take my jacket and walk to the door "I'll go for a walk, be back soon" short after, or almost immediately, he comes up to me "Do you need some time alone?" I nod "Could say that at the beginning" he smiles and puts a scarf around me "I swear to God, if you get a cold, you can buy all the medicine alone" I smile weakly at him and he smiles back "Don't be gone for too long" he gives me a short and sweet kiss "Love you" "Love you too" I walk out of the building and wander around the city.

Do I really just feel down? Did I lie again? Even if I did, I know I trust Katsuki, I know that I can tell him everything. Then what the fuck is the issue with me? Does Satan want me in hell? Why can't I shut the sadness out. I had enough suffering in my life. I need a break. There was this short time where I was the happiest, well in my opinion, human being alive. What happened that I fall in this ugly sadness again? 

What I know is that this feeling is not depression. Depression is worse, I didn't feel anything and felt everything at the same time. Now it just seems like I can't forget the past, maybe my worries. I can't let go, or more, I don't let myself let go. Maybe I'm just scared that I won't be the same if I let go, if I forget.

I'm tired of all this. Living, breathing, trying, eating, sleep, it's tiring. Maybe I'm just an idiot, yeah probably. But I think everyone feels the same at times, just some have the feeling of tiredness for a short time and then it's gone, for some it's just longer, and others don't get over this feeling. It doesn't even have a reason. I wanted to live a happy life with Katsuki. I wanted to get out of the ugly depression hole. I wanted to live a normal life again. Yet here I am thinking of it, if I really want all this.

Do I? Do I want all this? Or did I just do all this to make Katsuki happy, to help him get better? It's not a bad thing right? I mean, living and trying until someone else is happy. I'm not the only one who did something like this, right?

People are just confused when it comes to life and living. It's not unusual to be confused. Especially not for teenagers. I wish I could be a teen again, I could act like the stupid kid who searches for adventures. Now I need to focus on my job, and follow all the rules to fit into society. 

So, am I just confused? Or did I just hide and bury all the feelings inside of me, to help someone else and then end it all? Maybe it will pass? But I can't wait any longer, I waited so long and buried so many negative feelings inside of me, I might explode any second. 

It will maybe feel better when I- No, I need t make sure Katsuki is happy. I can't do this to him, I love him.

-

I walk up to the door and unlock it "Katsuki, I'm home" "Dinner will be ready any minute" he shouts from the kitchen. 

I take off my shoes, jacket and scarf and go change in more comfortable clothes. After that I walk in the kitchen and watch Katsuki making dinner. "What do you do?" "Cold soba, your favorite" I nod "I still don't get why you like it cold, you're crazy" I stand up and hug him from behind, you know like in the typical cliche scenes. "But you love me" "Of course I do, and sometimes I don't know why" I chuckle "Ouch".

After some time we sat down and ate our food, and head to bed.

"Katsuki, do you ever feel confused sad?" "Confused sad? Well this question makes me confused. Why do you ask, is everything alright?" he lays down on top of me and looks me in the eyes "Yeah sure, it was just something I recently read somewhere" he sighs "Don't lie to me, you fool" I look down at him "I didn't lie" I did and he knows it "Okay this is pointless, good night" he goes off of me and apparently goes to sleep "Yeah, good night".

-

I maybe lied there a couple of hours just staring at the ceiling, not able to sleep. Theses dumb thoughts, more hurtful, kept me awake.

I stand up and walk in the bathroom as quietly as I can, even though I know that he is a heavy sleeper.

I close the door and open one of the drawers. I take out the sleeping pills, sit down on the bathroom floor and stare at the pills. 

When did we even get sleeping pills? 

"This is so dumb" 

Would I feel better if I'm dead? I mean I would feel nothing right, I wouldn't have feelings and they wouldn't hurt me. I would be relieved to be gone. I wouldn't have problems right, I wouldn't need to deal with problems. I could just chill out right.

Am I being selfish? I want to be happy, well not needing to deal with problems, and right now I just don't give a fuck about others feelings. Is that selfish of me? 

I open it and put as many sleeping pills as I can in my hand. I stand up and make myself a cup of water. "When I do it fast, it won't hurt, right?" maybe talking to myself calms me down, or it shows that I'm crazy. No, I think it calms me down.

"Okay, it isn't that difficult" I take a deep breath and look in the mirror "You planned to kill yourself when you were, what now, fourteen? Fifteen? And how old are you now? You dumb-ass. Mom wouldn't be proud. Okay, you can do this. You may be weak but you can do this. Remember when you do this, pain will disappear, everything will be alright then. Make it fast" I take another deep breath and put all the pills in my mouth, try to swallow them and then drink the cup of water.

"Now in no time you will be gone" I force a smile, but also don't force it, God I don't make any sense.

I walk out of the bathroom and walk to our desk and take out a pen and paper and write down the last message.

I'm sorry. Please don't be sad forever. I love you, Katsuki :)

-Shoto

I put the letter on Katsukis nightstand and go to bed again.

Weird, not a single tear fell down. Maybe just don't have tears left, who knows.

I liked to think that this world is perfect. I liked to think that I fit in. I liked to think that there is peace in this world. I liked to think to think that everything is okay. 

I liked to shut reality down. Maybe a coping mechanism..

I lied the whole time to myself. 

Still there is something I never lied about.

I truly love Kats-

____________________________________________________

Floor explosion murder, what do you say?

F.E.M: That's sad, Alexa play despacito

I had a story idea but then I remembered that something like that already exists,  not even five seconds later I realized that this story was my story.. I wanted to steal my own story idea...

However, one more chapter then we are finished. Then I will edit this shit.

1314 words

Author-san out