Love for dying boys [Todobaku]

14 | Sorry with no emotion

so after the last chapter, I didn't start to edit and idk when I will start to do so, but I didn't want to keep it in the drafts much longer.

-Todorokis POV-

Katsuki and I are in the same room again. Fuyumi, Natsuo and Dabi were almost everyday here, not that I mind Fuyumi or Natsuo, Dabi is the problem. He just acts like nothing happened, Katsuki always looks angry at him and it gets pretty awkward. But when Katsuki and I are alone we just stay quiet, we don't say anything at all, not in an awkward way, but in "I don't have anything to say, you saw it all" kind of way. 

Of course we are happy to see each other again, but we both just got worse. It really hurt when I saw how he gets his liquid food, I even needed to go out of the room the first time I saw it. 

Nemuri also stopped being all happy, she doesn't come often in our room anymore and doesn't tease us. 

This place really got dark. Some nights either Katsuki or I break down with tears and we need to calm the other down. Nothing is the same. Just when we thought we were getting better, everything crashed down. Well not everything, we won the judgment against my father, but now Dabi is my problem.

"You need to tell Natsuo or Fuyumi about what Dabi has done to you" I look over at Katsuki and he looks with blank expression at his hands "If you won't do it, I will" I stay silent "Fuck Shoto, we can't just sit here and pretend like nothing happened or happens, we are literally dying, we are one step away from death, fuck we are already death-" 

"DO YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW? Fuck Katsuki, do you know how scared I am, do you know how I overthink this whole situation?" 

He looks up "I do know, because I have the same thoughts, BUT FUCKING GET THIS IN YOUR HEAD, WE CAN'T PRETEND LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED! We fucking break down everyday and every night, after that we just keep pretending. Aren't you tired?" 

I turn my head so I look at him "What do you want to do then?" I smile "FUCK WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO ABOUT IT? WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING WE ARE NOT ABLE TO DO ANYTHING" tears are falling down my cheeks 

"AND YOU JUST WANT TO GIVE UP SHOTO? TO BE HONEST I DO, I'M SO FUCKING TIRED OF THIS HOSPITAL, OF ALL THESE NURSES RUNNING AROUND, OF THIS FUCKING LIQUID FOOD, NOT BEING ABLE TO SWALLOW FOOD, FEELING LIFELESS, I JUST CAN'T" he hides his face in his hands. I stare blackly at him.

 I want to give up too. It's tiring, just sitting here, stare at the wall the whole da, go to sleep, wake up and do the same. You can't call this living, it's anything but living. And everything was so good at the beginning. The crush, when Nemuri found out and she teased us, when we sneaked out of the hospital to go on this festival, just being dumb in love. Fuck, it was alright and now? Now we just stay silent or scream at each other. I love him, I do, but can we really keep doing this. At least I'm glad that I could meet him.

"Sorry, I didn't want to scream at you" I ignore him "You know, you can ignore me for how long you want, I just want to let you know that I miss you. I miss what we had. We were happy, weren't we? And now, now we are just more fucked up and I don't know what I'll do when I lose you. Feelings are fucking weird" I look down at my hands "I'm going to take a nap" I say with no emotion "They say, you shouldn't be sorry unless you want to take actions back, well I'm sorry I ever loved you Katsuki" I turn around so I don't face him.

Little did he know that I regretted this words. I just want to live a normal boring everyday life, like everyone else. Yet I sit here slowly dying.

I pretend to sleep and hear Katsuki crying. After a while someone comes in. 2hey Katsuki why ae you crying?" Nemuri. "Fuck Nemuri, why is everything so fucked up?" I hear her walk over his bed and sit down "You will be alrigh-" he cut her off "It's not just me whom I worried about. Shoto, he just doesn't care anymore. He said that he is sorry for ever loving me" he is crying heavily, you can barely understand him "I l-love him s-so much a-and I don't want to lose him" "Hey listen. First calm down, you're becoming a panic attack. Second, I'm sure he doesn't mean that, you both are just so frustrated, sad, broken. do you think I didn't notice. Honey, I know you more that everyone else" "Why do I do this to my heart? Nemuri if it will continue like that" he stays silent for a moment "I-I just can't do this anymore then. If he won't love me anymore, how will I- fuck I can't even find the right words" he starts to breathe heavily "Katsuki if you can't calm down, I need to give you tranquilizer" they stay silent again, trying to get his breathing back to normal "Yeah you doing good". "Katsuki you need to wait, the world is nice" "Just because the world is nice, doesn't mean it is nice to me and you always said 'if life is bad tell someone about it' and I did and it doesn't get better. I can't wait, there is literally nothing I can do" "Shh calm down. Try to talk to him. Don't scream at each other" he stays silent.

After a while she walks out and I hear him also laying down, maybe also trying to sleep? For gods sake, Katsuki no matter what I do, please don't give up. I maybe will kill myself soon. How will I keep living like this? And if he gets hurt, I will just break more. Will I ever be able to smile again? No? I know there is no chance that Katsuki and I will be alright, we are too broken to be fixed.

"I know you are not sleeping, Shoto" I say nothing "Don't ignore me, do you know how it breaks my heart?" he starts to cry again "I just want you to know, that I'm not sorry for loving you and I will never be sorry. I love you Shoto, please know that" I still am silent, but decide to say something after a while "So you really want to talk?" I sit up and when I did, I see Katsuki already looking at me "Are you really sorry for loving me" there are still tears in his eyes "I'm sorry for what happened, that we can't be happy like everyone else, sorry for destroying things-" "That's not exactly what I asked" he shakes his head "No, I'm not. I'm glad I fell in love with you. But I didn't treat you good enough" he stand up and walks over to my bed and sitting down next to me "You did treat me the best. You mental health and my anorexia were the problem, you did nothing wrong" he hugs me and I hug him back "I'm sorry for saying those things" We stay silent. "I love you Katsuki" "I love you too Shoto". If I lose him, I won't survive a day without him.

-Nemuris POV-

A couple of days ago a professional therapist visited and wanted to take Shoto in a mental health institute, well he wanted to talk about it. I ignored him obviously, I won't let them take Shoto from Katsuki. Well, today this fucker came back but with two bodyguards, because I was aggressive the other time.

"We can talk in my office" I fake smile at them and walk in my office. We sit down and I stare at them. The man takes out some papers "Kayama-san we are the best mental health institute in japan, we can fix Todoroki Shoto. After a year he'll be normal again" I cross my arms "We are professionals, we know what we do" are they kidding me "You don't know shit" I sit up and point at him. The guards flinch of my sudden movement, yes be scared of me bitches. "Please Kayama-san we want the best future for this boy" I suddenly stand up and hit my hands on the table "You know nothing. You may be professionals, but you can't just fix him with your methods. Why do you even say 'fix' it sounds so wrong. If you take Shoto away you will make everything only worse" the bodyguards step up a little closer "With all due respect Kayama-san, we know way more" I move the table aside "You don't know shit about them. If you take him away you will kill two boys. They can't live without each other, they are each others medicine, if you can say it that way. And don't think I don't know that Rei Todoroki is in your institute. I know what you've done to her and I won't do the same mistake and let someone in your fucking mental health institute. Noooo, not someone who is important to me. Do you really want to kill the boys, they fucking love each other" he fixes his glasses on his nose "We can also fix his sexuality and love is just a chemical reaction in our brains-" I cut this motherfucker off "Even if it is so, you kill them if you take him with you and I won't let that happen" he walk over to the table and takes his papers back "I will take him with me" bay hold me back to not to slap this bitch "Do whatever you want but you won't take him away" they walk out and I call Fuyumi.

"Long story short Fuyumi, there is this dick from the mental health institute your mother is in and he wants to take Shoto there too" she stays silent, but then eventually says something "That's so not going to happen, if he will he just kills both of them".

We talked for a while and then I went back to work.

-Todorokis POV-

"Katsuki I want to give up" he wipes my tear away "Me too".

At this point, if a clown invited me into the woods, I would just go