Through My Eyes

Away

Days passed and it seems as if we are two lost souls who just endure whatever is in front of us. We let every day pass without making each other feel that there is still a better tomorrow for our relationship.

"So anong plan natin?" I asked her one late night after our so-called 'exercise'.

"Ikaw?" She asked.

"Well, are you still confused? Do you think if you'll be with your ex you can figure things out or boyfriend talaga gusto mo para mawala yang confusion mo?" I continued asking.

"Hindi ko alam. I told you, yung ex ko, wala na kami. Friends na lang kami. Remember yung may gusto sa akin sa office, I might let him give it a try and see how it will work..." She casually answered.

"So should I go na ba so you can allow him to court you? Kasi ang pangit naman if I will stay here and see you guys or if makita niya ako." I said.

"He knows we're close friends, so you can stay here..." She replied.

"Ahhhh so hayaan ko lang kayo ganun?" I said with a bit of irritation on my voice.

She didn't bother to answer. She just took her phone and faced the other side.

I felt really bad. I thought of going away. I mean, I guess my decision to spend the Christmas break with my family is the best idea. Maybe, I'll also figure things out, because I don't think this is still worth fighting for anymore.

We let that night create a bigger crack on the wall, soon I can feel it, we'll have to say goodbye.

A day before my flight, I went home early to pack her bag. I made sure I placed everything she'll need inside her travel bag.

When she arrived, she looked at me and asked, "Nauna mo pang ipack yan eh diba bukas na flight mo?"

"I just want to make sure na you are ready for your trip. Then I'll pack mine later, no need naman to bring a lot of clothes, kasi may clothes naman na doon." I replied.

She moved closer and hugged me, so I hugged her back.

"I'm gonna miss you, hindi ako sanay hindi kita kasama ng Christmas..." She said.

I shrugged it off and said, "Lahat ng damit na gusto mong dalhin, nasa bag na. Naglagay na din ako ng first aid kit and some meds that you might need. Wag masyado sa seafood, pero may anti-allergies ka namang dala so at least you can enjoy some. Mag-iingat and laging magpapray. Chat, call or text me if you need anything. Bacolod lang ako, malapit lapit na Palawan yun just in case."

I kissed her head and let go of the hug as a tear fell from my eyes.

How can this happen? She'll replace me soon and I can't believe she isn't the one for me. I prayed for her eh, but maybe, I'm meant to be alone.

I immediately wiped my tear and opened our cabinet to take some clothes. She lay on the bed while watching me pack my things. She would randomly ask questions and I would just simply answer it.

I'm not in the mood. I just want to get this done so I can sleep. Yeah, it's my sweet escape. The only thing that's making me really happy.

I was able to finish packing in less than an hour. But instead of joining B in bed, I cleaned our closet and eventually our room. I was tired and I wanted to skip dinner but B insists as I will be leaving the next day.

It was a great dinner, the family's conversation was smooth and good to the ears. Her family wished me well and I can't wait to spend the new year with them. 

When we went to our room, she was that clingy. We spend the night together and I gave my all as if it's gonna be the last time. 

I'm leaving tomorrow, and I should be happy because it means freedom. Freedom from the pain and all the things that hurt. This time, I'm choosing myself because my cup is close to empty and I may not be able to give enough. I might lose her soon and I won't let that happen without throwing a good fight. Once I'm back, I'll fight for this love, one last time, if she won't fight with me too, I'll let her fly away from me. In the end, if we are meant to be together, she'll come back to me and I promise to welcome her with my arms wide open.

God, why do I always get hurt? When all I want to do is to love her with all that I am. Don't I deserve her? Am I really not enough?

The next day, I double-checked my things and then booked my ride to the airport.

"Ingat ka B. Hindi kita masasamahan kasi mas mamimiss kita lalo. Tsaka sasama ako kina mama going to Tarlac." B said.

"It's okay. I can manage, nakabook na din naman ako ng Uber eh..." I replied.

I took my backpack and looked at myself one more time in front of the mirror. I tried to smile and said to myself, "Kaya mo yan! Ikaw pa ba?!"

"Hatid na lang kita sa gate B..." She said.

I just smiled and she took my hand as we walked towards the gate. The car was already in front so I kissed her lips one last time before I hop inside the vehicle.

I saw her wave her hand goodbye as the driver started cruising. I took a deep breath and called my mom.

"I'm on the way to the airport Ma. I'll spend the night in Cebu, bago ako tatawid ng Negros tomorrow morning." I said.

"Saan ka magsstay doon?" My mom asked.

"I can take care of myself Ma. I'll see you tomorrow." I told her.

"Mag-ingat anak. Sunduin ka namin ng papa mo sa pantalan bukas. Tawagan mo ako." Mom said.

"I will. Thank you, Ma." I replied.

"I love you anak." She said before I ended the call.

How can I deserve such a loving mother? I left them for the one I love, but still, she never stopped loving me. I'm sorry Ma. I wasn't a good daughter to you. I promise though, that we'll spend the best Christmas together. I just need to figure things out and spend some time alone for now. You deserve a better me while we spend this Christmas again as a family.