little lights

XXIV

I wasn't expecting to care about certain things

I don't believe in astrology, but perhaps I was destined into this life

With traits determined on the sun and moon on the day I was born-- swimming with the fish in my soul and walking on two feet that are secretly submerged in water

I've been told time and time again that it is no coincidence that so many celebrities have birthdays near my own-- it's a message, a sign, that was destined to have as bright a personality as I do

See, it was written in the stars that I be passionate and sensitive

But it was written in my DNA that I have brown eyes and short fingers and a perfectly circular birthmark on my shoulder

I didn't expect to care about celebrities, but perhaps that was also written into me like HTML

Crying over the mere thought of meeting the girl I modeled my entire style after, the singer who has evolved in maturity alongside me

I probably was destined to fall for the pop culture thing when whatever Powers That Be made me love polka dots and skirts and the colour pink, maybe those sorts of things are all programmed in at once-- what type of candy will be your favorite, the position you like to sleep in, and if you care about Kim Kardashian's wedding

But what else is a girl supposed to do as a hobby these days, when all other hobbies are more like to full-time jobs, constantly proving that you're just as good as your male counterparts? I am doomed to a life of measuring up to boys and surpassing other women, rather than doing things for the personal pleasure

I didn't expect to care about how I am so different from my family

Maybe it was written in along with my zodiac sign, which I wear like a tattoo on my forehead-- I am a bow-print dress in a family of suits and muddy sneakers, and it's never made sense to me

Who was the one that influenced me, in my household, to be the ultra-feminine girl that I am today, when I was having dump trucks and rock and roll shoved down my throat--

And I took it all in, the light saber fights and the chemistry sets and the mud wrestling, and I did it all while wearing a tutu and a tiara-- and who knows where that came from

I have been bombarded with things we perceive as "masculine" since I came into this world, and yet here I am, the Taylor Swift-loving, owns more skirts than pants, spends a long time doing her make up, girl that nobody ever expected

This sort of thing, I suppose, is coded in before your feet have ever felt the grass or your eyes have opened to the light

And I never expected to care about any of it-- but instead, I'm hyper-aware of it.