little lights

XXII

Adult problems,

Like the ones that are tough enough to keep anyone awake, eyelids drooping like the weighted-down branches of a tree in a storm, you are so alive in your mind, yet so worn out in your body

These are the things you should really ask for help with, a twist and a knot in your stomach, tight as the skin across the bridge of your nose, you are stunned into a lurch when you encounter him

Perhaps you should be scared that he has managed to change your opinion on him so easily, but there is something so exciting about doing something that's wrong, it overshadows everything you've been taught about relationships

The trouble is,

When it's 3 in the morning, you know he'll be asleep, tangled up in another bed's covers and he might not even think about you in the depths of his subconscious, but you think of him at the stark front of your mind

That thing he said to you... it was cute and funny and witty, and you were dying to tell your best friend but the context is necessary, and she's no fool; maybe this was not a good idea, you are a terrible liar

And even in the chemistry lab, with your unflattering goggles and your hair piled atop your head, you are conflicted between your handsome lab partner that has similar interests to you, and the thought of the person you know you can't bring up as a reason not to go with him to Panera after school

So, adult problems,

The sickening kind you decide to face all on your own, asking for help seems childish, and you can handle it if you act older than you are; if you act like him, maybe

You know healthy relationships involve a balance of power and regular communication, but where do those qualities intersect with the way he treats you, and how come you don't care that he's calling the shots all the time?

Adult problems are apparently an adventure, with consequences to be faced and secrets to be kept, you have always been held to a higher standard, a 5-year-old lumped up with the adults at a party and the 3rd graders in the classroom

Where do you even fit into the jigsaw puzzle?

There aren't many missing pieces, and he fits so easily into his spot, nowhere near an empty space, you are not associated with him, and when somebody mentions his name you perk up and tense up all at once-- could you be any more obvious?

Adult problems that you have to solve on your own. Because you are a teen-aged adult now, and you need to make your own decisions.