little lights

III

In order to truly understand how I feel,

You must first place yourself in my position,

Flip your confidence to insecurity,

Trade your happy thoughts for 

Pessimistic mutterances about how you just don't measure up

Slip your soul into my shoes,

Feel the utter vacancy in my heart,

Filled in most people by a sense of belonging,

A tight-knit group of friends that tease each other playfully

Without saying anything they don't mean.

Weave your heart into the fabric of the sleeves on your sweater,

Shut your eyes when you sing, 

Point your toes inward when you stand before your peers

Speak softly, don't make eye contact, listen actively,

And watch with open-minded eyes as other people live their lives around you

Once you've accomplished those trivial things,

Flick a switch in your oversized brain,

So that horror movies soothe you, and parties make your skin crawl

Forget everything you know about making friends,

Especially when someone is kind to you

Only then, will you feel the sting of friendships lost and rude names called

The kind of bitterness that's more intense than dark chocolate

Watch your life pass you by from inside your bedroom,

Take pictures of yourself, because your face changes more than your surroundings

And don't forget to keep telling yourself that you don't need anybody

How does that feel, honestly, with the sick rising in your throat, 

Head tucked between your knees, breathing heavy in the classroom,

Solving equations and rephrasing paragraphs while you attempt to catch your breath

Thinking about how much more miserable kids must be

In countries without clean water or Netflix