Rise Up (Jonathan Toews)

39| Changing It Up

Ariana

I sit in the apartment with my laptop on my lap and my dog by my side. She wasn't supposed to be up here on the couch but she was sleeping and she just got groomed so she should be fine. I absentmindedly pet her as I stare at my screen. I needed to make a blog post but I was in a bit of a rut.

I could talk about the end of the regular season but it was far from over. The guys were more than ready for the regular season to end. They were like sharks in the water and they could smell the blood that was the Stanley cup. This team was something special and I know that hockey wasn't really ending quite yet.

Or I could talk about the trial coming to a end seven months after the crash had happened. Josh was sentenced to the Max sentence and the earliest he could get out was in 20 years... if he's lucky. That long standing nightmare was finally over and in a way a lot of wrongs were made right. But I still spent a solid three plus months in that hospital learning how to live again and I'll never get that time back. I can never undo the pain that was done.

But what is worse than anything that's happening is the thought of it ending. We're so scared of losing what we have, the good and bad. People stay in places of their lives they have no business being in because they don't know what's on the other side of the end of it. And it's crazy to think about the things we would rather do than change. We would rather suffer as we know it then become something we don't know. But change is inevitable. And that's what I decided for this blog entry to write about.

"For the longest time I thought dying meant the end. No matter what you believe in, the end of life as we know it means the end of the line until you end up somewhere else depending on what you do believe. But everything changes once we die and life was all about what we wanted to do before we died. Well I died three times and let me tell you, there's not light at the end of the tunnel. The end is dark and it's silent...

And it's beautiful.

The end forever has been seen as a bad thing. The end of a relationship. The end of a job. The end of a season. People don't want to let go, they don't want things to change either. But never is stuff like that up to us. We will never know when these things happen to us or how. Moments like that that change your life don't come with a warning. When I went to work that cool morning I expected to come home before lunch. But I didn't. I stayed in the hospital for 100 days before I got to go home again. And while that hospital was awful, I was scared of leaving it and everything changing yet again.

I learned that change is necessary, sometimes things have to end for something to begin. And it's hard to let go of something you've held on to for so long. Whether it be life or a relationship. Something small or big. Only when we change will we know what's on the other side of the horizon that ends off in the distance. It might be worse, it might be better. But the sooner we change the sooner we'll know and we can change right along with it.

So don't look at the end as a bad thing. Everything has a beginning and a end. The best way to face it is with a strong heart and a open mind, because you never know what can take its place once it's gone. Now that you've let go maybe something wonderful or even more amazing can take its place. But only if you have enough room in your heart."

I click post and smile to myself proud of what I wrote. It wasn't easy but those things that's hard to say needs to be said the most. I wish someone had the balls to tell me the stuff that scared me. Maybe then I wouldn't have been so hurt. I was hoping my expertise can help other people without them having to go through what I have.

"Good morning beautiful" Jon says as he rests his hand on my shoulder and leans over to give me a kiss.

"Morning handsome. How are you doing this morning" I wonder.

"Well I was doing good. Had a good dream that we were out somewhere nice and we were just together. It was beautiful. Then I woke up to tell you all about it and you were gone" he shuns.

"Yeah, sorry. I had trouble sleeping" I sigh.

"Again? Are you okay" he asks as he moves in front of me. He was such a worry wart so I didn't want to tell him sleep avoided me, especially when he's gone, so I kept to myself. For his sake.

"Yeah, just got a busy mind. Thought I would come out here and write some to get things down" I admit. It wasn't a total lie.

"How's the blogging going" he asks.

"Pretty good. Got a decent amount of followers. A lot of them just want to know what size your penis is but they stay for the other stuff too" I tease.

"You don't tell them right" he asks as his eyes get big.

"Oh baby, I would never do that. I know there's boundaries and I would never tell them something they wouldn't need to know" I promise.

"I know. I read all your posts but since you just posted the new one I haven't seen it and I got a little worried" he explains.

"You read my stuff" I ask and he smiles.

"Of course I do. You're a beautiful writer and you have a great message. You think like a athlete and love like Shakespeare and look like a model. You're every mans dream" he claims and I laugh.

"Pretty sure that's just you" I accuse.

"Any man would be lucky to have you. You're a real sweet girl with a heart of gold and brains to back it up" he says.

"All my heart wants is you" I promise. I reach over and grab his hand I lace my fingers through his. I squeeze his hand like I did in the hospital all the days before this. And it felt just as special now as it did then.

"So what did you write about" he wonders.

"You're just gonna have to read it like the rest of them" I tease and he smiles.

"Man. I don't even get a teaser" he jokes.

"Nope. Forced words don't mean a thing. But if you read them on your own power them maybe, just maybe they'll mean a lot to you" I insist.

"Your words always mean the most to me" he promises.