Rise Up (Jonathan Toews)

10| Falling For Fall

Ariana

For the first time since I got here I got to get out of the hospital. Of course I was confined to a wheelchair, but since I can move my upper body I was a lot more free to do things. I can feed myself and do my hair and wash up a little. What I would do to take a shower right now...

But instead Jon insisted on taking me out of the hospital and around the little garden they had for a little. Fall was my favorite season and it's a shame that I couldn't enjoy it. Don't even have a window in the part of the hospital I'm in. So I pull on one of the sweatshirts he gave me and I slide into a wheelchair. For the first time since I got here I get to go out of my room and not on a hospital bed to go to surgery.

"Thanks for doing this Jonny. It means the world to me" I say as we get into the elevator.

"I would do anything for you. This is nothing" he claims.

"It means everything to me" I insist.

We get out of the elevator and he pushes me to the door. The wind hits my face and immediately I start to smile. I forgot that I called the Windy City my home, I forgot that it gets warmer than 62 degrees in places too.

"I can't believe I've been stuck inside this whole time when it's been so nice outside" I sigh.

"It's actually been raining a lot. This is the first day it hasn't rained in a while" Jon explains.

"Well it looks like we picked the perfect day to come outside" I say.

He pushes me to a little spot where there was a garden for the patients here. The flowers were still there but the leaves were changing colors. Jon parks my wheelchair next to a bench and he sits down next to me. Without even thinking he grabs my hand and I grab him back. I rest my head on his shoulder as we just sit there.

"Why do you like fall so much" he asks and I smile.

"It's not the pumpkin spice flavored things or even the sweaters and leggings. It's the fact that hockey is back, usually, and a lot more people come in to work out because they can't run outside anymore. It's the warm colors that make me smile every time I look in the mirror. I just... I don't know. It's like seasonal depression but the opposite" I explain.

"I've never met a girl like you before" he says and I pick my head up. I turn to him as he turns to me too.

"Is that a good thing" I question as he chuckles at me.

"It is. You're so shamelessly in love with life and it's incredible. I mean life has been awful to you, it keeps knocking you down and you keep getting back up. I've never seen someone smile as much as you do and for the simplest of reasons. Just because you want to be happy. So many people in this world have to fight to find a smile, but not you. You appreciate this world and the good and the bad and it's simply incredible" he claims.

"I guess you've been hurt enough times then you're bound to find the bright side in every situation. The worst injury I had before this was a torn MCL, and now look at me" I shake my head.

"I tore mine too, back in 2010" he says.

"Wow, you just willingly told me something about yourself without me having to force it out of you. I bet you no one has done that before" I tease as he chuckles. 

"I don't believe anyone has" he agrees.

"So what happened? You were trying to double Dutch and you fell? You were in a break dance battle and you tried to do a backflip" I say making him laugh harder.

"No and hell no. It was in hockey" he explains.

"Ah. Tried the ole between the legs and you ended up chopping your own legs down" I accuse. Sometimes I just say this stuff to make him smile. He had the most wonderful smile.

"It was actually the biggest game in my life. It was a clinching game of a series for my team and if it went another game I wouldn't have been able to play. Who knows what could have happened" he sighs.

"But you didn't get off the ice... did you" I ask and he smiles again.

"Hell no. Didn't even know it was that bad until about a few days later when I ended up in the hospital" he admits.

"That must have been some high you were on" I admit.

"Never been so high in my life. I dreamed of that moment my whole life and I got to do it. I was on top of the world. And you would think that after that I would have been happy" he claims.

"Sometimes the worst thing in the world is getting exactly what you want. Because everything that comes after it is what you feared the most" I say.

"So you're familiar with getting your heart broken" he asks and I smile.

"I am, but never in the hands of hockey. That was the one thing that made me happy. But not because I was good but because after playing four years in college I knew that it had nothing let to offer me, not as a athlete at least. So I gave up the thing I love most because I know deep down in my heart that I would have my love for this game stripped from me if I was forced to keep playing" I explain.

"That's why you have a necklace that says strength. I know many men who lost their love for the game but still play simply because they can" he admits.

"That's a awful way to live. You don't play because you feel like you have to, right? You play because you love the game" I ask.

"I'm not sure why I play anymore. Maybe it's because I never knew anything else. My family is a hockey family, my friends are hockey friends. I'm just not sure who I am without it, you know" he asks.

"All I've known is you without hockey. And that man is an amazing guy who is thoughtful and kind and brave. You saved a total stranger from a car crash you weren't involved in. My siblings think you are the coolest guy ever and my parents think of you as their own. This guy who is sitting right here next to me, he's the best guy I know. Without hockey" I assure him.

"Thanks. I needed that in the worst ways" he claims.

"So when your hockey comes back are you going back to it" I wonder.

"Yeah. As scared as I am of who I am with hockey I'm more afraid of who I am without it. It's a part of me, you know? Like there's ice in my veins. I guess that's why I've been so cold all these years" he sighs.

"I guess you've thawed since you haven't had hockey eh" I tease and he smiles.

"I think I have. But I don't want ice in my veins" he claims. "I want fire in my heart."

"The hard part isn't lighting the fire but keeping it burning. Find what keeps you going and you should have no problem going back to hockey" I assure him.

"So you" he claims. "You're what keeps my fire burning."