goodbye

9

TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF SUICIDE AND HOMOPHOBIA

The worst type of crying is the silent one. The one where you feel it in your throat, and your eyes become blurry from the tears. The one where you just want to scream. The one where you have to hold your breath and grab your stomach to keep quiet. The one where you can't breath anymore. The one where you realise that you have officially broke.

There are nights I cry so hard that my body aches and I shake and I have to put my head in my pillow so no one hears me. There are also nights I'm happy that others around me are happy and I think everything happens for a reason. And there are also nights where I feel noting at all. The tears are running onto my pillow and my heart's breaking and I'm thinking of everything that made me ever cry, and my other hand is on my heart or stomach because they both hurt so much.

The worst thing that corresponds with crying is laying staring at your empty ceiling with a frown and a hurting heart. You can't breath because the tears are choking you but they just wont leave, your heart breaks more and you can literally feel it rising up into your throat. You can't cry because you've already cried too much and you are stuck with a feeling of pain and numbness combined. You think of what you have lost all those past years and it hurts... You feel as though you are so helpless and all you can think of is shit that made you this broken.

You can't say you have felt true pain until you're standing in front of a mirror with tears streaming down your cheeks and you're begging yourself to hold on just one more time because you know you wont make it. If you don't stay strong untill this morning you will not make it. That is pain. That is what I do every fucking week and it hurts. That shit really fucks up your life when your heart is begging you to let go but your mind just wants one more damn fight.

When I die my life will be used as an example for suicide prevention hotlines. Websites will say to stay away from a person like me or you will kill yourself. They will use me as if I'm spreading a disease that takes over your mind and controls your life. I will be used in the wrong way to say someone like me shouldn't be a real thing. My life will be used as an awareness for a disease that "doesn't" exist. Christians will fawn about me and prey to a god that isn't real that their kids don't end up like me, because "God forbids a depressed person walks this earth."

Living like this as a daily life is hard. It's a constant fight with myself. Do I kill myself or do I stay alive? Maybe life will get better in the future, is the reason I always choose to stay. I can't use the excuse that people will miss me when I don't have anyone to miss me in the first place. Sure Kachann's there, but is he really? He's the one that told me to take a swan dive. I would be taking his advice. He would be happy, right?

Why is life filled with so many decisions with so many outcomes that could theoretically destroy your life in a second. Left or right? There's no answer, but there is because one could send you in a spiral. Left: Your best friend will die. Right: You go to your favourite collage. How do you know what one is what? Do I dye my hair and possibly hate it or keep it boring? How do you know until you try? But trying could possibly be the end. There is no justice.

Acceptance letters come in three days. It's an agonising wait to find out if I made it into that school or not. To be honest I think I have a slight chance of actually getting into general studies. I know there is no way I will make it into the hero course like Kachann and I'm okay with that. I just want to be able to go into general studies.

I get a message from Kachann to meet at the park at ten AM. It is currently 9:23AM so if I want to make it in time I need to get ready now. The playground isn't too far away for a drive but I have to walk, this is going to suck.

Outside is pretty warm so I think I'm gonna go for some cream shorts and a white 3/4 sleeve shirt (basically the sleeves end just before his elbows) with All Might's name printed on it. I grab a pair of socks and shove my green converses on. The tongue of my shoe kept rubbing along my ankle making it painful and extremely un-comfy to walk down the hallway.

I grab my keys of the kitchen bench and lock the door behind me. I put my head down, frown and sigh as I begin my long walk to the park. I'm sure Kachann had his mum dropped him off. He's got her wrapped around his pinkie finger, it's ridiculous.

I kick the rocks on the side walk, listening to traffic as it zooms past me. The world goes faster then what I could ever keep up with.

The park is on the edge of the city so it's not a surprise when more and more shops come up which means I'm nearing the park and it is.... 9:52. 'Just on time' I think to myself. I can see Kachann leaning up against a tree on the other side of the road. I check both ways, waiting for a few cars to go by before I start to cross over and head up to him.

"Hey Kachann!" I call out, waving my hand above my hand.

He turns around to see me but doesn't say anything. He just stands and stairs with a scowl.

"Did something happen?" I ask more quietly as I come to stand next to him.

"Do you always have to be so fucking loud?" Kachann asked.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean t-to." What is making him so angry today, I didn't even get a hello.

Kachann starts to walk off away from the park so I follow him seeming's he did ask me to come here.

"I don't want you to speak of anything that has happened between us! I'm not a fucking fag! (I'M SORRY) Kachann syas, spitting words of venom.

Why didn't I already know this.

Shit.

Useless.

Stupid

You're not wanted.

Worthless.

It's your fault.

"You keep this a secret, you're gonna stay mine, I need a show." Kachann says with a pissed tone.

He's stronger then me I can't fight against him so I agree. I nod my head to all requests he makes.

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THANK YOU FOR READING! PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF THERE ARE ANY MISTAKES. ALSO I WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW I DO NOT ACCEPT HOMOPHOBIA IT IS JUST FOR THE STORY! I AM APART OF THE LGBTQ+ AND HATE HOMOPHOBIA. IM SO SORRY FOR MENTIONING IT BUT IT WILL MAKE SENSE IN FUTURE CHAPTERS.

I HOPE EVERYONE HAS A GOOD TIME, YOUR'E AMAZING AND I LOVE YA ALL.

REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT ALONE!