ɪ'ʟʟ ʙᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʜᴏᴍᴇ ➻〚𝙣𝙘𝙩 𝙙𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙢 𝙤𝙩7〛

Flashback: Spend My Life in Love With Him

Now, I'm a good few inches taller than him, which I never cease to tease him about, I've lost all my baby fat, and though I'm pretty thin, my arms and legs are packed with lean muscle (though I'm nowhere as jacked as Jeno is), and my face has gone from cute to handsome. In fact, just about every day, Jaemin, who's now shorter than me, starts crying over how much "his baby" has grown up and gotten hot. Though it's certainly a confidence booster, the boys' compliments always make be embarrassed and shy, especially so when Chenle compliments me.

But God, Chenle was always cute, but now when I look at him... well, my heart goes awry. He's taller now and has such a cute, but fit and petite figure, the fluffiest hair, elegant and ethereal cheekbones, glimmering eyes, a cute nose, and the prettiest smile I've ever seen.

I want to say these feelings of mine are felt in a platonic way because Lele should be like a brother to me, but even I'm not so naive anymore, and ever since Jaemin came out... Well, I suppose it's caused me to open my eyes more.

And though my friendship with Chenle is so fun, lighthearted, and boyish at times, I can't deny the chemistry between us that's carried in our friendship and how well we get along with one another. It used to just be crude jokes, video games, and the regular stuff that boys do, and we still do that, but especially in these last couple of years, we've confided in each other so much and have strayed from only doing these childish activities with each other. All of the boys know me so well, but Lele understands me down to each tic, habit, and expression of mine.

Whenever I'm anxious, he knows how to calm me down, pressing his body up to mine to control my breathing, embracing me comfortingly, gazing up into my eyes. When I'm sad, he's right up against me, whispering sweet lulls of comfort into my ear, tracing calming patterns onto arm or chest with his finger. Though all of our actions of affection toward each other certainly cross the line of platonic, there's some sort of unspoken agreement between us that's saying this is normal for friends. Even though we've been friends for more than ten years, something about it just isn't normal...

I love Chenle a lot, and I always have, but when I just take a good look into his complex, swirling eyes and reminisce about all he's done for me and the plethora of joyous memories we've shared, I can't help but feel something deeper brewing inside of me, yearning for a love deeper than what we share.

The thought of giving in to my feelings seems selfish because a relationship within our friend group could shake things around and mess up friendships. Yet, I'm so desperate for his love, to be able to hold his body delicately and dance like lovers, allowing him to follow my lead as we slow dance under the stars, to look into his eyes and let my lips connect with his beautiful lips. I only want to spend my life in love with him, but it's too idealistic. I know it can't ever happen, plus, I don't even know if Lele feels the same towards me.

Fuck, it just makes me so ashamed, like God's eyes are watching over me, focused, waiting for me to fight with my feelings and decide what that next step should be. It's not that I shouldn't be in love with a boy, it's that I shouldn't be in love with Zhong Chenle.

"Ji, you okay?" his sweet voice chimes back into my ears, pulling me out of my thoughts. I smile and nod quickly, my stomach churning in such a euphoric way, feeling the crazy, intense feelings of young love. How could a feeling this good, this blissful, be wrong?

Smiling, enraptured by the boy next to me, I lie, "Of course, Lele." Chenle buys it though, and ruffles up my hair affectionately, bouncing around in excitement, full of youthful energy. I just smile tiredly, my complex thoughts and emotions exhausting me completely.

Even if I never get to call Chenle my boyfriend, I realize that no matter what, I'll still be happy to just have him by my side, as a friend, navigating through life together. Though, I can't seem to suppress my wishes to have him, and I don't want to give up yet, not knowing whether he's in love with me either. But at the same time, I don't know what the repercussions would be, and I don't want to ruin this beautiful friendship that we have.