As I get older I start to realize the problems that I have and suffer from. Which is Daddy issues. A lot of us young females suffer from daddy issues, it's not our fault because our fathers wasn't there for us. So it makes us look for a father in our mates which takes a tolll on them because now they have to fulfill a fathers shoes and a boyfriends shoe all at the same time, which personally I think is wrong but its not something us females do intentionally because sometimes we don't recognize that we are turning our mates into our father ina way. Honestly we have to do better , we can't put all that weight on our significant other because it's not fair. I messed up several relationships because I lacked love. Love plays a major part in a relationship because if you can't show the love you keep expressing for a person how will they believe you? How will the relationship work? I was hurting myself. I am afraid to love because when you love , you put your wall down completely. You let a person into your world entirely. Which means they can hurt you at any given moment. Love is vulnerable, passionate, kind, patient, & genuine. So when you grow up in a home where love isn't exploited it affects you growing up. I know it did for me, at least. My mother and father doesn't know how to show love, they mainly know how to survive. So receiving love at home was Hard. My parents thinks what they are supposed to do as parents is basically showing us they love us, NO that's incorrect! Even though you are my parents you suppose to adore me, cherish me, show me you love , hug me, kiss me, most importantly show me that you love me.
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I didn't know how to love, till this day I am still learning how to love. I make mistakes and stumble along the way but I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. My children and my husband taught me how to love. Them 3 had to break me down to the core and rebuild me back up with love so I can love them properly. I am mainly a survivor, more than a lover. I say this because the traumas I went through helped me & mold me into the person I am today. For you to get molested by your so called siblings & father is very traumatizing because I had to see these people constantly. When I was about 11 years old, I tried committing suicide because I couldn't take it anymore. What makes it worst is my so called mother knew and felt something wasn't right with me, she felt it in her soul that I was being touched and she didn't do anything. If anything she blamed ME! Saying I wanted it and I liked. It gotten to the point where I started to believe that. She wished so much bad on me, as if she hated me. Had her son torture me would beat me for hours and lock me ina room for hours on my knee with rice.
I was getting beatings on the regular. Beatings with cords, shoes, sticks, belts, anything they could find to beat me with I was getting beat with. I started to hate myself, asked god to take me away. As a young child, hating yourself and wanting to die is DEEP! I didn't fit in this family, I was getting so wrong on so many levels and all I wanted was to be loved. You tell me did I grow up in a loving home? I wanted to run away & never Come back. I cried every night asking god to relieve me from my pain and this family because it was changing me, I started to become very negative & stayed to myself.
I stopped trusting my family because if you loved me why would you hurt me? Family not suppose to cross you they suppose to Hold you down, be your peace & comfort zone. When they are sneaky, manipulative, two-faced, dog eat dog world you start to think all I got is myself, so I became selfish. Love isn't selfish.
