The Lost Horcrux

Daddy Issues

"Ahh," said Frank, sagely. "And your cock, so I'm told!"

"Dad! What the actual fuck!" Neville cried, hotly. "What a thing to say to me!"

"Why ... when it's the truth?" asked Frank, unabashed.

Neville coloured in the rapidly dimming evening light. "I'm not discussing this with you."

"Yes you are, Nev," Frank disagreed, sternly. "I don't want to point out the bleedin' obvious, son, but I'm not just your father ... I'm a man, too. I might just know something about this."

Neville turned around. "Y-you do? What do you know?"

"Tell me your problem first. Maybe we can compare notes."

"I don't have a problem!"

"Your wife disagrees ... and so does your mother!"

Neville's face dropped, his eyes fraught with timid embarrassment. "Mum knows about this?"

"Of course she does," Frank replied, dismissively. "Who do you think told me?"

"And I suppose Ennie told her," Neville bitched. "I'll have to have a serious chat with her when we get home ... this is supposed to be private."

"You should be thankful, son, that your wife and mother get along so well," Frank quirked. "You're lucky ... you should have seen some of the battles that your Mum had with your Gran ... they were epic!"

"Mum and Gran didn't get on?" Neville asked, curiously. "I never knew that."

"I was an only child, and you know what your Gran was like ... fierce as a dragon with a sore head!" Frank chuckled. "An army of angels wouldn't have been good enough for her only boy, so poor Alice was a brave witch to take on a Longbottom. But then, she was a Slytherin ... and she needed all of her cunning to get my Mum to warm up to her!"

"Mum was in Slytherin?" Neville whispered, honestly a bit put-out. "I never knew that, either! And did Gran ever warm up to her?"

"In the end," Frank nodded, wistfully. "But by the time she did ... well, that bitch Bella Lestrange came along ... to pay a visit to her best friend from their Hogwarts days ... you know what happened next."

Neville blinked in shock. "Mum ... and Bellatrix ... what?"

"That's a story for another day, son," Frank waved him off. "Right now, your Mum has insisted that I talk to you about this problem with your one-eyed snake!"

"Dad! Seriously!" Neville moaned. "I don't want to talk about it ... certainly not like this!"

"Is it a sex problem?" Frank went on, stubbornly, his concerned tone robbing Neville of his embarrassment. It was firm and, well, frank. "Because ... and don't take this the weird way it's going to sound ... but you do realise that you married a veritable goddess of a girl, don't you? I wouldn't have expected you to have bedroom problems, not when you have a witch like that waiting for you every night!"

"Of course I do!" said Neville, grinning despite the oddity of the conversation. "We've been married for three years now but, sometimes, I still just out and stare at her. For no reason at all ... well, other than she's fucking divinity incarnate, of course. I have to pinch myself that I married her."

"So, what's the problem?"

"I ... I don't know," said Neville, his voice tiny. "I've just stopped ... being able to be intimate. In a, well, practical sort of way."