ɪᴛ ᴡᴀs ᴀʟᴡᴀʏs ʏᴏᴜ ➻〚𝙬𝙤𝙣𝙝𝙪𝙞 〛

December 9th

*Extra Trigger Warning: USE OF AN OFFENSIVE SLUR*

Dear Junhui,

As most of these letters have seemed to turn out thus far, the update I have to give isn't too good. Though I'm going to try and make them more positive so that when you read over these, you won't only learn the parts of me that I hid, but you'll remember the parts of me that you love. I just suppose, that for now, I have to get the bad stuff out. I hope that's alright with you, my angel.

Do you know how I told you that school was like Heaven in comparison to my father's house? Well, scratch that, because they're both absolute hell. I know I keep rolling out these cheesy and cringy punchlines, but in complete honesty, Heaven is only when I'm with you, no matter where we are.

I thought the verbal and occasionally physical harassment was exclusive only to my devil of a father, but it turns out pretty much every guy in school is a complete asshole. Look, I've always been ostracized, and considered a "strange" kid since I started going to school, because, let's be honest; I'm quiet, not very athletic, an emo kid, antisocial to everyone with the exception of you, present more androgynously, and a horde of other reasons and things. But everyone left me alone and treated me fairly well because I wasn't ever mean or dismissive, even though I never liked engaging with anyone in any conversation or activities.

That was until last week, that is. When Kang Dongho, one of those jocks that I had never engaged in any way with--talked to, had classes with, or even brushed shoulders with--learned the biggest secret that I've kept from everyone, aside from you, my mother, and my father (before he became an abusive asshole, that is). Which is, that I'm gay.

I was tucked in the corner of the stairs, in the middle of the school's forum, while everyone was waiting for classes to start a mere twenty minutes later. You hadn't arrived yet, your bus stuck in traffic, and I figured that everyone who had arrived would leave me alone, as always, and just hang out with their crowd of friends.

So, being the thirsty gay boy I was, a fan of several male music groups, I searched the singers' names into Naver for pictures of their abs. In retrospect, it was an incredibly dumb move, but I thought that no one would be in close proximity to me, so I decided to look at the pictures, just because I wanted to (don't worry, it wasn't for any gross reasons).

And fucking Kang Dongho must've been passing by when he decided to look over my shoulder, and when he saw the pictures, he lost it, falling into a fit of laughter. After all, an androgynous, emo boy scrolling through pictures of beautiful, shirtless men on his phone isn't a very inconspicuous and unsuspicious scene.

Then, he told his friends, and when he asked if I was the f-slur, I went speechless. That was the single most terrifyingly dire scene I could think of in my head. Though my anti-socialness is self-imposed, I don't want to be that "pervy", weird, gay outcast of the school, and become subject to verbal attacks and physical pain from my own classmates, now my bullies. So, I stuttered out the wimpiest, pathetic, "No," that I could, but of course, it was everything but convincing.

Nobody outside of Dongho's friend group knows that I'm gay, but I think that's because they want to keep "the fag for themselves," as that fucker condescendingly sneered at me while he pinned me up against a locker a couple of days ago. Yeah, you read that right, Junnie. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about this, but I couldn't risk you knowing and telling a teacher about it. Because then, that shithead Dongho, would've outed me to the whole school. He blackmailed me, and there was no way to defend myself.

You deserved to know about this when it started, I know, but even if you said you wouldn't tell an adult about the bullying, I don't think I could live with you experiencing the sadness, helplessness, and intense anger that comes with knowing your best friend is in pain, Jun.

Anyways, don't be too worried. I'm dealing with it. When they shout slurs and condescending words at me, which is what they've mostly been doing, I try my best to look like I'm ignoring their words, but I won't lie to you. Their words hit me deeply, and though I continue to tell myself that the insults and names they throw at me are lies; that being homosexual is indeed fine, but some days I can't help but fall into their trap of making me hate myself even more than I already do.

I know you must be so disappointed, Junnie, especially because your actions and words you share constantly tell me that I have worth, that I'm loved no matter who I love. Only your opinion should matter, but as I've written before: It's completely illogical, but sometimes, an ounce of bad in the world enormously outweighs the tons of love shared with me in my messed-up brain.

I'm sorry, Jun, but I want to let you know that even as hard as life is for me right now, I'll get through it because you're by my side, loving and caring for me unconditionally. You're the only thing that matters to me now, but that's enough for me to continue to hold on and keep the miniscule embers of light alive inside of me.

Sending you my love,

Wonwoo

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