ɪᴛ ᴡᴀs ᴀʟᴡᴀʏs ʏᴏᴜ ➻〚𝙬𝙤𝙣𝙝𝙪𝙞 〛

November 17th

To my beautiful Junhui,

I'm finally giving you a break now. Or at least a break in comparison to everything else I've revealed. No more secrets in this letter, so hopefully, you can take a rest and read without stress or sadness.

I just figured that I wanted to document this moment with a letter, as on top of all of my mental and emotional pain, I've been experiencing excruciating physical pain, and finally, I have a diagnosis. I can't rest and be merry now, but at least I now have a label for all of the pain I've been experiencing, and hopefully, I'll find treatment and begin to feel better physically.

You know this, but ever since about five months ago, I've been getting episodes of excruciating, sharp, intense, and continuous headaches, most of the time occurring almost half of the days in the month, and you've visibly seen me in such vulnerable positions, pain searing into me at random times of the day.

I can never concentrate during class and at home, and my father's abuse isn't helping my cause either. Basically, if my mind is at a time during the day where it was fucking me over and making me feel like anxious, depressive shit, my brain itself is screaming bloody cries of sheer pain to me. And it wasn't always like this. And I wish my life didn't have to be so ridden with self-hatred and continuous emotional, mental, and physical pain.

In all honesty, I can't help but pity myself sometimes, and just think, "Why does every single component of my being want to torcher and annihilate itself?" But then again, pitying myself doesn't get me anywhere, and in the long run, it won't cure my depression. Instead, it just makes me wallow in my issues more and makes me become more reliant to blame everything on my mental and physical problems.

 All the time, I try to look on the bright side, but I always quickly realize that's much harder than everyone makes it out to be. The darkness always, and unfortunately, obscures the light in life; it's just too strong. As much as I wish I could be relieved and satisfied with the fact that I know what my physical pain is, which is that I've been diagnosed with chronic pain, the darkness in the situation is that it can't be cured. Only tamed, occasionally.

When I finally returned from my father's hellhole, I finally decided to not keep my issues to myself, and instead be selfish and tell my mother about my tormenting, frequent headaches. Do I feel bad? Yes.

After all, I hate shoving my issues onto other people (hence why this is one of the reasons that I don't like to talk about my problems with you, Junnie) because it makes me feel dirty, and exploitative almost, to lift the weight of my problems and drop it some unassuming, undeserving person, such as my mother. She shouldn't have to deal with me, and my many ailments. Yeah, I know that no one else has the same mindset as me. Fuck, everyone else besides me finds it completely normal to ask for help; to share their problems for guidance. But for me, it feels as if I'm infringing on their happiness and security to present them with my depressing, bleak, and quite frankly, sad problems.

Anyway, I was in so much agonizing pain one day at Mom's house that I could take it no longer. My instincts got ahold of me, I suppose, and I told her. Everything. Absolutely everything about my physical pain and headaches, that is. Naturally, being a concerned mother for her emo enigma of a son, she dragged me to the doctor's office where they diagnosed me. It was a relief to have some sort of "answer" to the pain I'd been experiencing, but then again, it was pretty shitty to learn that I can't do anything to cure this. So basically, to be completely discouraging, I'll be stuck with this for the rest of whatever life I have left in me.

I don't know why I wrote this letter, but I suppose I just wanted to talk about everything in more detail, despite the fact that I already told you about my diagnosis.

Oh, that's it! I just wanted to thank you, Junnie, because you just handle everything with such poise and sensibility. You were so sweet when I told you about my migraine issues, supporting me and comforting me like an angel. But I'd expect no less from you, Jun. You made me feel humanized again and told me that you'd always be there for me, whether I'm having the best day of my life, or if I'm in excruciating pain, fallen on my bedroom floor, crying. And I know you will be there, even though I hate asking for help. I know you wouldn't give me a choice, either way. Your heart is just so big, and your spirit is so benevolent and loving.

But in all honesty, you don't have to do anything special to ever help me. I haven't told you this in person, as I haven't told you about the multitude of my struggles, but you simply being by my side, fingers laced in mine as we lay on my bed, talking about our day, is enough to cure me of anything, even if only temporarily. The moment I ever lay my eyes on your smile, rosy lips stretched wide, your pearly, cat-like canines poking out cutely, and your eyes glinting with so much dynamic, effervescent passion and lust for life, I feel okay. I feel like I deserve to live on this Earth, and experience love like any other person.

Thank you so much, Junhui. You make me feel alive again; like my issues and mental health aren't defects that only I possess, but instead are the things that make me human.

Your most loving admirer and best friend,

Wonwoo

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