ɪᴛ ᴡᴀs ᴀʟᴡᴀʏs ʏᴏᴜ ➻〚𝙬𝙤𝙣𝙝𝙪𝙞 〛

September 1st

Dear Junhui,

If you are reading these notes right now, I'm so sorry that you have to. I wish that this moment never had to come for me.

Please, Junnie, don't ever think that any of this was your fault. You are the only reason I held for so long after I stopped believing in the light at the end of the tunnel. I guess I just couldn't bear the pain any longer.

You may be wondering, why am I writing these notes? And yeah, that's a pretty damn good question. It's the first day of the school year, and I have no idea what shit this year is going to bring me. I'm already at my wit's end; at the edge of a cliff, my toes nearly hanging onto the edge.

Yet, what I've realized, my breakdown is inevitable and I know myself too well. I know I'm going to take my life at some point, no matter how much I want to stay for you and Mom; it's just a matter of delaying my fate as long as possible so I can live out my last days as happy as my fucked-up mind will let me with me by your side.

And I know, everything I wrote sounds so messed up in every way possible because it is. Everyone always tells you that you're never alone, and that's true; most people are surrounded by others, but I just feel so alone within myself. Life just dumped a bunch of shit on my mind, and death feels like the only way out of these inescapable burdens when I know it shouldn't be that way.

I don't even think that I'm capable of portraying with words what my mind is telling me to feel and to do. To be completely blunt, I know that suicide shouldn't be only the option, but every inescapable instinct and piercing voice inside of me is screaming otherwise.

You know, I feel so bad even writing this, because I don't want to glorify suicide; I don't want to make it seem like it's the only option. I don't want you to ever understand my logic, Jun, because it's ludicrous and fucked-up in every way, but at the same time, you need to know. I know that you'll need closure, Junnie, and you're the only one who'll understand what I'm saying and where I'm coming from, but won't fall prey to or begin to believe my mind's deranged logic (or lack thereof).

Now, returning to why I'm writing these notes. Again, I want you to have a look inside my mind just so you can have even a little bit of closure, if (or when) I'm gone. I want you to learn what I never had the guts to tell you, even though you are my best friend and the love of my life (Yes, you read that right. I'll explain later. Sorry to drop that on you so unexpectedly, Junnie.). But most of all, I want you to remember me and the person I was, and remember the memories we had together. I'll always be in your heart as you navigate through life, and I want you to remember the little, small things that defined our friendship, and my character.

I need you to know how much I love you, even now that I might be some crummy ghost walking through the walls of my house or an ethereal angel watching over you in the sky, and it'll stay that way forever. It was always and will continue to always be you, and only you, Junhui.

Hopefully watching you over adoringly in Heaven,

Jeon Wonwoo (your bag of luck)

___________

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