ɪᴛ ᴡᴀs ᴀʟᴡᴀʏs ʏᴏᴜ ➻〚𝙬𝙤𝙣𝙝𝙪𝙞 〛

The Notes

~

"Junhui, please come upstairs, dear," the soft voice of Mrs. Jeon echoes through the empty, lifeless house. Cheeks still flushed red, eyes fresh with silent tears, I hesitantly attempt to tear my eyes away from the timeless picture hung on the eggshell walls in a house that isn't mine but feels like it is, snapped in a moment where we were both so undeniably happy, those feelings captured for eternity in the photograph. Or at least, I thought we were both happy.

The photo was captured just years ago, but god, we've grown since then. Dressed in flashy suits, we were both ready for our freshman dance, except that neither of us had dates, so we went together. We were too cowardly to ask anyone out. My arm was wrapped around those broad shoulders that I miss too much, my lips pressed to his cheek as he cringes cutely at me. I chuckle quietly. I was always so affectionate with Wonwoo, and I think he secretly enjoyed it, even if he never admitted it.

Smiling fondly, my tears still flow silently down my cheek, but at least now, I feel like I understand that Wonwoo's truly happy now. He's probably looking down on me from Heaven like the angel he is, and though I may never understand why he did it, I at least know that he's in a better place. But god, I miss him so damn much, and I don't know if I'll ever find the strength to move on. I love him too much, and he loved me so much... How could he have taken his own life?

It's been three days since he left this Earth, left his mother, and left me. When I heard the news that he had taken his own life, I became inconsolable; I still am inconsolable, to be honest... It's just that now, I'm no longer on the verge of taking my own life to be with him again, like I was about to do when he passed. I still want to be with him even now.

Wonwoo is the reason I wanted to take my life after he died, but at the same time, he's now the only reason I'm still here on the face of this planet. He would never forgive me if I committed suicide to be with him. I'll be with him eventually, and we'll be able to live together for eternity, but I don't know if I'm up for living for decades longer and growing old in order to be with him. I need him now...

Either way, a future without Wonwoo feels like no future to me. A thick, suffocating fog flooded the path towards the future with Wonu I always pictured for us, and it'll never clear out while the storm clouds stay ever-present, looming over me. I honestly don't know how long I'll last without him.

Tearing myself away from the wall of photos filled with fond, beautiful memories, I slowly walk up the stairwell, the creaky boards on the stairs interrupting the deafening silence in the morose, melancholy house. Mentally, physically, and emotional, I feel utterly weak and vulnerable, unable to fend off an attack on me or any blow to my soul if it were to come by surprise or be completely expected.

Reaching the top of the staircase, my feet begin to feel like iron weights, restricting me from moving forward, and my mind gives in without a fight. Mrs. Jeon is in Wonwoo's room, and I don't think I can brace myself to venture back in there without experiencing another mental breakdown.

Breathing heavily, I close my eyes, filling my brain with darkness and no information coming from my eyes in an attempt to forget about my stress and grief for even a quick second. I take this opportunity and bound into Wonwoo's room while I'm not actively looking inside the room where the two of us spent the happiest, most beautiful moments together.

Rushing in so quickly that it becomes a blur, I end up in the warm embrace of Mrs. Jeon that has become all-too-familiar in the last few days.

Burying my damp, tear-painted face into her shoulder, Mrs. Jeon relaxes, humming quietly to a simple tune to calm me down, running her hands through my hair in a motherly manner. I hiccup a little bit, choking on my tears, but the soft humming and comforting embrace of Mrs. Jeon slowly relaxes me, and I gain the courage to open up my eyes and I scan the room that evokes such explosive emotions in me.