I have a reoccurring vision. I'm seated at a red bar in a black gown. Maybe I've just come back from a soiree or I am about to go to one but, either way, I am alone. Not even a bartender is manning his station for me to talk to. The only barrier to the silence is the soft static hum of jazz music playing in the distance.
A vivid spotlight shines directly on me as though I am the star in some film secret to me. It cages me into a constricting circle that beams down from a ceiling too high for me to see like I am an ant under a toddler's magnifying glass. I cannot see beyond the circle - I am surrounded by darkness yet alone in the light.
I squirm uncomfortably in my chair. The air is hot, and I almost want to rip off my dress to cool down, but I feel as though someone is watching me from inside the darkness, so I suffer in the heat. My stool seat is so high that I feel as though I'm on a pedestal, but I can't overcome the permanent feeling of how close I am to falling. I cross my legs and let my arms and chest rest atop the bar for balance, but I don't feel any more stable. I just hope I don't get knocked over.
Suddenly, a drink is pushed from the darkness behind the bar and into my view in the light. It's a dirty martini which makes me happy because it is my favorite drink. The clear liquid is filled to the brim and three plump olives are skewered on a toothpick, floating in the drink. The glass is sweating as I am.
I wonder how this mysterious someone knew to make this for me.
I lean over the bar, the light following me, to thank whoever made the drink for me. When I ask who's there, I hear my voice, but it doesn't sound like it is coming from my body. It sounds like a muffled echo from far away. No one answers me - my echo just fades out into oblivion.
I perch back upright in my seat and lift the drink up to my lips. The glass feels cool and refreshing against my skin as I take a thin sip. The sting is sharp but all too welcoming. I swallow with a forced gulp and feel the edges of my mouth curl up. Before I realize it, all of the drink is gone. What is left are the three plump olives.
I pick up the skewer to slide an olive into my mouth but as I bring it to my lips, all three of them shrivel up and turn black. A stream of smoke evaporates off of their wrinkled skin and gradually, everything but the toothpick burns into black dust and falls into a pile on the wooden bar counter.
My throat begins to close up. I wrap my fingers around my neck as though it will help but I struggle more and more to breathe. My wheezing blows the pile of black dust on the bar back into the darkness. I slam my fists into the wood, hoping to alert anyone who is there but the distant echoes from my struggling body once again fade away.
A little way to the right of me, deep in the darkness behind what I can only assume is the extension of the bar, two little red dots light up. They are in horizontal line with one another just at eye level if I had been standing up. I wave at them, trying to get the attention of whoever they belong to, but they just stare at me, disappearing for a millisecond when they blink.
I still can't breathe. I am desperate. I try to stand up using the bars at the bottom of the barstool as leverage to lean in closer to this person I think I see but with one convulsing breath, I am knocked over and fall to the floor. The light follows me, and now I am disoriented in the center of a dark room with nothing but a ring of light to give me comfort. Surrounding me, deep in the dark and shadows, are hundreds of blinking red dots that all seem to be staring down at me although they have no true defining features. They can see me fighting for breath, clawing at my neck, trying to open up a way to fill my lungs, but they do nothing.
I start crawling toward them, hoping to grab one by the foot and beg for help, but wherever I crawl to, the light follows, encasing me in isolation. The red dots retreat further away. As long as the spotlight is on me, I can't touch anyone, and no one can touch me. They can only silently watch me in curious observation. I am left helpless in the light surrounded by the darkness and by blinking red dots that can do nothing for me. My gasping echoes travel into the faraway distance until they fade into silence and the red dots blink shut.
