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chapter 23: in case i die tomorrow.

Right now I'm shameless,

Screaming my lungs out for ya,

Not afraid to face it,

I need you more than I want to.

I've been overthinking this for the last 24 hours. Like really really overthinking. Overthinking so much that I haven't thought about anything else. And I promised I wouldn't, but I can't help myself.

I'm back in L.A. My tree house to be more specific and it's around 9.p.m. 

I told Noah to come visit me here, because I miss him, he misses me, and I seriously need to talk to him.

Violet's speech about me, my relationship, my ever going fear of commitment and of opening up about my deep, strong feelings really made me think.

It's not like now I know or even think I love Noah and I want to ask him to marry me... It's not that. 

I still don't believe in love. Love is still fucked up in my head. Actually, it's not like I don't believe in love, but I've said this already. I believe in love. I love people. I love my mom, my dad, my brothers, Violet, Campbell, Jacques, Jorja even. 

But the kind of "love" people give each other in relationships, that I don't get.

People commit themselves fully to something in ways I don't understand. Loving someone isn't what people act like it is. It can't be. It can't be spending every second of every day with them and then when it comes down to it, not even enjoying it that much.

Loving someone, the way I see it, needs to be something out of this world, especially if it is relationship-wise. 

If we're talking about loving a relative, you're kinda "forced" to do it in a way, or like, you're more likely to do so, because they are there whether you want it or not. They raise you. Your prime personality traits are acquired mainly through them, so of course you'll  enjoy being around them in most cases, and love them.

Than your friends are already a big deal, because you're looking for people and you find people that you can relate to. That you enjoy the company, that you gravitate towards even more.

But when we are talking about a partner. Man. That's the person you want to share a segment of or your full life with. This person needs to be so special to you that you see in them an unreal light. It's not just a meh person. No. You don't start dating without really loving someone. You shouldn't at least. But so many people do it. Jump to things. Like, slow down, tiger. Get to know the person, spend time with them, fuck around. Fall in love naturally. Don't get yourself into a relationship to make it sparkle faster. Just no... Not for me at all, at least.

If it is there, it is there, that's love. It's shows up without you even noticing it.

Yeah, very complicated as it is, and it only gets 5 times harder because I have the hardest of times admitting my feelings to people. I mean, not really people, because I am always telling my friends how much I love them, what I love in them, all of that. And my family too. I think is the damn relationship thing again.

But again, I also think I never said it because I never really felt anything that serious for anyone relationship-wise...

With Campbell, I think I wanted to stop because I was getting scared of what I was starting to feel, so I wanted to stop. But also, with him, I don't think I ever felt what it takes to feel to date someone. What I feel for him is insane, is an indescribable bond, but I don't think it's in the realm of dating... you know? But yet again... Not that I know what that is.