Can't open up my lips

The "F" word

May 2, year 8.

“ it’s been ages since the last time i wrote something here worth of writing. Dapat tungkol sa fieldtrip ang continuation na isusulat ko, pero sa dami ng mga nangyari hindi  na kaya ng memory kong ikwento ang lahat.

Ang huling natatandaan ko lang ay yung foul play nung badminton contest noong intramurals - ikinatalo ko yung match dahil biased ang referee and i didn’t do something about it.

It was awarding nung makita ko yung kalaban kong nasa stage at ina-awardan , it should’ve been me upthere pero wala akong ginawa. I just tagged along with the lie. “

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Seryoso ka ba?

-anna

“hindi, joke lang.” She know this is not something i joke about. ‘yan kasi ang hirap sa mga nakakakilala sa akin - dahil sa kilala ako as a “funny guy” i was perceived as a person who don’t and won't get serious.

Seriously, kapag seryoso naman ako people perceive me as masungit at snob yung tipong hindi marunong tumawa. Saan ako lulugar? To be treated as both?

“I like you and i really do. I know this sounds crazy because we’re friends and trust me i’ve thought this over a hundred of times. I’m sure of what i feel right now... I really like you."

Message sent.

I tried my best to fit the words in a one-paged, 169 characters limited text box and i succeeded telling her what I feel, ata.

I like anna, and she is my best friend and I thought it was the best of both worlds. Kaklase ko siya since elementary, grade 6 to be exact. She has this long shiny black hair, fair white skin and she has both beauty and brains to boot.  Mestiza plus brains is a very lethal combination that’s why the school’s lower and upperclassmen are head over heels for her. Kikita nga kami sa kanya kung may bayad ang pagdalaw sa room. She was the envy of her female seniors kasi dinadalaw pa siya ng upperclassmen kahit nakahiwalay kami ng building sa high-school at grade 6 pa lang kami noon. She has a lot of admirers and suitors and I was never one of them – i’m one of those few lucky guys who she can hug anytime she wanted.

I didn’t like her at first and I didn’t know why, but I slowly fall for her. I even told my other classmates that I wouldn’t have a crush on her – I lied. Hindi ko alam ang dahilan pero I really like her at hindi ako yung tipong nag-kakagusto dahil maganda ka lang. Pero may points yun. What I mean is I just don’t fall for someone only because of her pretty face, I had to know the girl better – that’s why I prefer friendship before relationship.

Hindi ko kasi makuha yung buong concept ng courtship – yung during courtship magtataguan kayo ng kung sino ka trying to show your so-called “best self” tapos kapag kayo na bigla kang magugulat kasi ganun pala siya or ganito siya – your partner would always see your “best self” and not your “real self”. Hindi ka naman applicant for a job position at hindi mo naman siya employer.

Gusto ko yung mahal ko yung babae kahit bagong gising, walang makeup, with morning glory on both eyes, magulo ang buhok, at hindi pa nagsisipilyo. Yung ganoong klase ng attraction, hindi dahil sa malaki yung bumper niya at daig niya pa yung bumper ng bump car or she could hit notes that only dogs could hear – I prefer to like a girl as the whole package, with pros and cons attached. Chessy but it’s the truth.

I can still remember nung nasa bus kami nung fieldtrip, 1st year high school – magkatabi kami sa bus seat. Kahit na 3 kaming nakaupo sa two-seater chair ng bus, it feels like it’s just the two of us. Ganun kami kapayat noon.eventually ganun din yung nangyari nung napagod na yung kasama naming sa pagsingit kahit na vacant ang foldable seat ng tour bus.

We were on our way to batangas from sta. Rosa laguna for the 2nd itinerary when it happened: tahimik yung bus dahil na rin sobrang aga ko kami for the assembly, tapos nakakapagod yung 1st itinerary at dahil mahaba pa ang byahe madaming nakatulog. We both tried to stay awake but halfway on our way dinalaw na din kami ng antok sa dami ng traffic. Nakatulog siya pero hirap dahil magalaw yung bus.

I was staring at her while she struggles to find a comfortable sleeping position. After a couple of minutes I decided to place her head on my shoulders, ako na kasi ang nahihirap sa ginagawa niya – her head is swaying back and forth every time the bus driver gains speed or hits the brakes. Okay lang naman siya dun, hindi naman siya nag-react and I was staring her closely ng bigla niyang hinawakan yung braso ko.

“huwag ka malikot”  ikinagulat ko yung sinabi niya.

I don’t like skin ships. Never. Naiilang ako sa mga ganun. Body touches trigger something inside of me and it makes me want more. I wanted more.

“Sorry” yung na lang sinabi ko bago ako nakatulog. The moment was surreal: her head on my shoulder and mine close to her forehead, we were both sleeping. Nagising lang kaming dalawa nung nasa parking lot na kami ng 2nd itinerary at nakatingin na sa amin yung buong section. Nagising siya nung naghiwayan mga kaklase namin sa bus and we both laughed what happened after.

We were so close to each other. Nung nag-vacation kami sa Palawan, we texted everyday during my stay there – sobrang connected ko sa kaniya parang hindi naman ako umalis. Parang nasa tabi ko siya sa bilis niya mag-reply, kahit na medyo mahina yung signal. I called her a couple of times during my stay and trust me it was not your usual short conversation – my mom would kill me kapag nakita na niya yung monthly bill ko.

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