MUSINGS OF A SOLIVAGANT

'I Understand'

'It's okay.'
I press my lips into a smile,
A smile so fake on my paper lips.
There's just a thin line.
On the border between a grimace And a small smile.
I wish for once I had a poker face.
Cause it hurts to smile everytime.
I lower my eyes and avert your gaze.
Or maybe send a smile over chat.
And say, 'I understand.'
No I don't.
I don't understand at all.
Is it wrong to say that,
I'm just so tired of understanding, always?
Can't I cry and throw tantrums?
Can't I sulk in a corner?
Can't I sever all contacts at times,
And then come back saying,
'I don't have a explanation,
And I don't know why I did that.'
Even I can do all those stuff,
Not that I would but the fantasy's exhilarating.
Man, we have phases.
Sometimes there's darkness,
That threatens to throttle you.
But what about the knot in my throat,
Everytime that I think of you?
What about the tears choking me,
Everytime that you disappear without notice?
' It's okay. I understand.'
I've learnt these words like a parrot.
Repeating them over and over,
Without a trace of emotion.
I'm not unfeeling,
But I just like the feel closing myself off.
Anything to escape the pain.
I try to go away at times,
Failing and returning to see you gloomy again.
Talk to me, trust me, confide and
Together we can find a way through.
We've fought all way long for us.
Those are now just mummified memories.
Penned down on some old papyrus,
Already crumbling with all the scribbles,
As I try to read and understand parts,
Where it all went wrong.
And you come and break my heart over again.
'I understand,' I smile again.
A smile that doesn't reach my eyes.
No I don't understand.
And I don't pretend to, either.
Neither do I need to understand.
And I never regret not understanding.
There's only as much one understands.
And you've exceeded my limit.

A/N How many of you feel tired of saying that you understand?