DANGEROUS DESIRE (REWRITING)

V

Xanth hadn't visited back the club since that night and I knew I would never see him again, I think about him and our time together every second of the day, thinking about him makes me so happy, I hate to admit that I have a crush on him and I've never felt anything like this and it's so sad to know that I'll never see him again and the only thing I have is the memories of the time we once shared. 

I pulled the cover over my whole body as I shuddered in disgust.

I could hear his heavy breathing, which made me feel even more disgusted with myself. I can't wait to get out of here and get my revenge on these fuckers. They'll regret every pain and suffering they've caused me. I closed my eyes and silently cried.

Lately, I've been so sad and angry, I've gotten so quiet, I've got nothing to say anymore, I've mentally tapped out and I fear that this is it for me, After all there's only so much a person can take and I'm fucking tired of living in endless misery.

I look at myself in the mirror, I went through with the surgery not that I had a say in any of it. I'm currently wearing my Faja and compression bra, which I have been wearing every day for eight weeks since surgery, I do not take it off unless I'm showering or using the bathroom. I stared at myself intensely I've been doing this every day, and I'm trying to decide if I like my new body, I wasn't sure, to be honest, but it'll grow on me. 

I should probably introduce myself properly, I'm Avyanna Teagan Preston. I was born in Italy but then my mom moved me to France when I was a child. My mom is a Latina and my Dad is Italian so I have fairly good genes. 

I don't know my mom that well, nor my father, the memories I have with them are distant, but I will never forget some things. My mom and I only converse through phone calls without Lucio knowing, the last I spoke and saw my Dad was the day I left Italy and that's more than a decade ago.

I saw a figure sitting on my bed, I turned around to see Alexander but I ignored him. 

"I'm leaving now. I'll be back in a few days" -silence-

"No goodbyes" -silence-

I looked up at him and thought why did he have to be so fucked up, we could've had the best sibling relationship and he could've made this place bearable for me, at least then I would know that someone was here for me and I wasn't all alone in this cruel world,  instead, he sided with Lucio and adopted all his ways, he became Lucio's minion. 

 "I'm trying here, Avyanna!" I heard, bringing me out of my thoughts. I felt a tear slipped from my eye

"For fuck's sake, stop trying! We're related by blood" I blurted with disgust trying so hard not to cry.

"Love is love" 

That's what he has been telling me since I was twelve years old.

"It's not you're my family, that's incest and it's disgusting," He stormed out. 

My Dad disowned Alexander years ago, I don't know what led him to do that, but there's a possibility that he's my brother or my first cousin I have no idea which is it, I've tried to ask Lucio but he never tells.

I awoke naked on a cold, hard floor, groaning in agony as my skin was severely bruised and my body was throbbing. My eyes got blurry as I glimpsed a figure leaving the room I'm sure it's Lucio. I closed my eyes for a moment and my body felt like it's been set on fire.

I could hear his voice ring in my ears, "Those who have not been torn have no value in this world and to themselves"

 At this point, I'm going to kill myself, and this time I'll make sure no one will be able to save me.

I weakly got up but fell back to the dirty floor the pain was all over I endured the pain while standing on shaky legs, my back felt like it had been slashed a thousand times. I let out a broken cry.

My vagina throbbed horribly, I've been raped by my uncle for the millionth time for fucks sake. I'm so disgusted with myself, every time it happens I feel more disgusted. If I could cut my vagina out, right at this moment, I would.

Why is Lucio doing all this to me? I looked down at my leg to see dried blood.

I sat in the bath with a sigh the hot water soaked through the bruises, making them hurt even worse. My body was tensed and aching but I felt a little relaxed, I pulled my legs up to my chest and started crying.

I ended up here because, yet again, Lucio told me I'm shameless he told me I'm a walking refrigerator because I collect everything that's given without refusing or asking a question I got angry and punched him in the face and I think I broke his nose. 

I finally got to look at my back; the horrible cuts were everywhere, and my skin was going to scar. I took some pictures of it. I always take pictures because I'm going to remove the scars when they're healed and I'm going to put the picture in my photo book every time I get hurt, I take a picture, paste it in, and write about why I got it. When I try to hurt myself, I also take pictures and save them. I've been doing this since I was a child.

"Mom?" I cried as she answered the phone

"Yes!" she answers, sounding irritated.

"Why did you leave me here with these monsters?"

I'm sitting in my bathroom with blood dripping from my wrist, but I feel nothing, there's no pain, nothing I'm numb. I took another drink from the bottle of Hennessy and wiped the tears from my eyes, no point in crying it's not like crying will magically make everything better. This is my crappy life of horror.

"Why are you crying?" she asks

I can't do this anymore. I can't live this life anymore. "I can't anymore," I slurred.

"Avyanna, listen to me! Be brave and strong; that's how you'll survive them," she said.

"Were you brave? Did you survive them? No, because you fucking ran away, leaving me with these monsters!" I shouted into the phone hoarsely.

 She kept quiet. "They broke me, mom. I've reached the point where I can't do this anymore"

I've been through so much pain, but do you know what real pain is? It's emotional pain that's the pain that lasts! I cried so hard because I'm forever broken.

"Be brave," she says, then the phone gets disconnected.

I started crying uncontrollably. If only you knew how brave I've been, I can't anymore, I can't take any more it's too much to undergo. This is where I draw the line once and for all.

I threw the phone across the bathroom and started laughing like a maniac.

Be brave, my ass. I've been strong and brave for fourteen years. I've prayed every night for fourteen years. I had faith for fourteen years, I hoped that someone would come to rescue me. Did it happen? No, not everyone will have heroes in their story sometimes you have to become your hero.

I took my gun from a small trunk I checked it to see that it was loaded, just then, there was a knock on my door I dropped the gun in the trunk locked it, and hid it under my bed. When I opened the door, there was a maid, they're only here on rare occasions to clean up his mess.

"Yes?" I answered as I swung the door open.

She said, "Your dad asked for your presence in his office." She's Italian her accent is so soft, and she looks so familiar too.

I swear I saw hatred on her face for a moment, my eyes then trailed down her body, her hand was balled into a tight fist my eyes trailed back up to her body she was rigid and standing so cautiously looking angry but she smelled nice and expensive, her skin so clear and nice, I snapped out of my thoughts.

"He's not my dad," I lowly said to myself.

"Pardon?"

"Just give me a second," I told her, slamming the door.

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-Littleleague