Welcome to Hell, How May I Help You? {Watty Awards 2012}

How long can I last?

Every day, I had this small tradition that was special to me. I'd sit in my room and try to write a poem. Most nights produced nothing. It was hard sometimes. I loved writing, but no one would take me seriously. Nobody would listen.

I had gotten a bad start to the school year, and nobody understood it. I was under a lot of stress, and I was already beating myself up over it. I found it becoming harder and harder to relax, and even harder to get rid of the headache. Hunger constantly plagued me. Fatigue was my normal. Cramps, spasms, it was all becoming normal. I hated the memory lapses though, a whole hour of lessons, gone, all that would be left would be notes I couldn't understand. The first of every month was always a horrible day for me, every time. Today was no different.

I slammed my notebook down on my desk, frustrated. I sighed, that wasn't going to help anything. I looked at my notes from math. I couldn't understand them at all, even though they were good notes, set up well and with a practice problem done so I'd remember how to do it. I honestly wanted to cry. I had so much to do, and I was stuck on simple geometry. So I started my other homework. Honors English, history, and biology. So much work. Why didn't I switch out into regular CP1 classes? Because, for once, I felt like my mom was proud of me. Ben couldn't help me any, so I just decided to stop talking to him. I almost threw my phone at the wall, I was so upset and frustrated. I pulled out my little notebook and wrote a poem.

"I am small,

Fragile.

Why am I so delicate?

Like glass,

Beautiful when whole,

But deadly once shattered.

Broken means its worthless to anyone who can't fix it.

That's what I am.

Broken.

Who could fix me?

Small, fragile, delicate, me

Who would want to fix me?"

And that was it. I burst into tears. That was all it took, me, making myself feel worthless again. But I'm not worthless, right? I still have a lot ahead of me... I'm only fifteen... I still have time.

"You know you're worthless. Don't try to fight it anymore. Do your best, but stay worthless."

Why wouldn't this voice in my head shut up? I'm not worthless to everyone! I still had worth to Ben and Elva. I still meant something to them.

"You should give it up, he doesn't love you... He just wants your body, your innocence. Why would anyone love you? Look at your scars, nobody wants that."

But... I'm beautiful, aren't I? My scars showed I was an interesting person... Ben couldn't possibly mind my scars, could he?

"And you're fat!"

I'm not fat, I only weighed about 129 pounds... And I had a very curvy body, with large breasts, and a round butt. That's not fat... but I did have a bit of a chubby belly...

"You can't satisfy him, you're just a fallback, nothing more."

"Shut up shut up shut up!"

The voice wasn't actually speaking to me, it was just all my fears, doubts, everything, coming into my mind... I just wanted it to stop!

That didn't stop me from actually telling it to shut up. Tears wouldn't stop flowing, I felt alone. Nobody could help me. I must just be going crazy. That must be it, I just think that I'm special, that I can see ghosts, I must just be crazy. Nobody heard me crying anyway.

All my screams are silent.